As You Weren't
by starpixi
Summary: It’s an alternate universe, set during and after “As You Were.” Spike goes through a mysterious time warp, and he believes he's granted a second chance. He changes things around, but what will come of it? WIP B/S
1. I Wanna Be Sedated

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As You Weren't

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a product of Mutant Enemy. I am in no way affiliated with it, the show, or any of the characters.

Summary: It's an alternate universe, set during and after "As You Were." Spike is taken back through time, but why? A stronger force arrives in town looking to destroy him.

Rating: Strong R

Author's Note: I didn't really remember much about AYW. I went by the transcript, but did my best. I made up a lot of things but I guess that's why it's AU, hmm?

Prologue: I Wanna Be Sedated

Stake me. Burn me. Decapitate me. Just please do something to make this ache go away. Nothing's ever going to hurt me as much as she does. But not just her hits. Not any of her punches or kicks, no matter how hard she trains. No, it's her words. It's her words that are spoken with a misleading softness, but when it comes down to the main point, those words are sharper than any stake or blade, hotter than any flame, harder than any punch, more cruel than any insult.

__

"I'm sorry, William."

It's killing her? Good, then. Nothing compares to what I feel right now. I feel dead after a burst of life. Now I'm positive that joy made me feel like my heart was pounding in my chest, even if it really wasn't. With her, I could imagine it did. I could imagine my skin was warm and tan. I could imagine I needed the oxygen to fill my lungs. I could imagine that I was alive. I was alive with her. She's given me the greatest gift anyone could give a vampire. She's brought me the sun.

It's everywhere on her. It's so strong, sometimes I think I can smell all the light. I see it glowing in her hair, even as we lied in the dark. I feel it in that tiny body that I would hold close to me every night. I could hear it whispering around me, burning in my ears through guttural moans, high-pitched cries, my unneeded breaths. Maybe taste it in her skin.

I wasn't using her. She means far too much to me for me to use her. It was just a bonus from the whole package.

I remember the first time she kissed me. Not when we under Red's spell, but when I admitted I'd never hurt her or Dawn after I was tortured by Glory. Oh, how I remember. Her lips were soft against my dry, cracked ones. She was far gentler than any other kiss I'd ever experienced. Everything is sweeter when it's real. Buffybot's a good substitute, but nothing like the real thing. 

I take a long sip from a bottle of something strong, I don't care what it is anymore, so long as I don't feel reality creeping in behind me. So I don't feel the loneliness that accompanies rejections and break ups, the ache of abandonment, the loss of a loved one. All that pain. The kind that's not fun. Who wants that? Not me. But it doesn't matter what I want. She calls the shots. I'm just...convenient. Like she said.

It's over for real now. I can tell by the look in her eyes that I'll never kiss her soft lips, never touch her warm skin, and never have someone need me. Buffy was all I wanted and I let her slip through my fingers like... something slippery. What did I do to make her leave me in the first place? I thought things were going well. Did I do something wrong? Did I make her walk away from me?

No. It was that damn Soldier Boy. Why the bleeding hell did he have to come back anyway? It's all his fault. Mr. Sneaky-Initiative-Man.

The worst part of it is, that I'm a delusional poof like my Sire, only I'm delusional without a soul, which is worse. I think. Anyway, I really thought that she'd tell me she loved me. And even if she wouldn't tell me, she'd let me know somehow. Maybe changing her rules. Maybe staying with me the whole night. Maybe telling her friends about us. Buffy doesn't love me. She never has. She's loved another vampire before, she won't go down that road again.

I didn't even see how much she really hated me. I'm so damn goofy in love with her, that I completely missed the part about her not loving me back. She never will. I'm only the one she goes to when she can't stand being around anyone else. She did use me. But that's good enough for me. Not for her, though. I'm not good enough for her. For Drusilla. Nobody. I know that now. Everything's clear. Buffy should have staked me that night she met me. Buffy should have staked me tonight. Then at least I wouldn't have to feel this way.

I wanna be sedated.

~*~*~

Buffy stood at the crypt door for hours, staring at it. Knowing what was there inside. 

'Evil,' she tried to tell herself. 'Pure evil.'

She'd laid her hand on the doorknob several times, but never turned it. She opened her mouth to speak even more times, but no words would ever come out. She didn't want to stop sleeping with Spike. It didn't feel right keeping a secret from her friends, and it didn't feel right now being without him either. 'You know it's simple. You know if you just tell your friends you could be with him. Maybe. They may take a little time coping to the idea of you and Spike as a couple... Couple? Since when?'

She jumped when she heard glass breaking. One last time she put her hand on the doorknob, this time turning and using her opposite hand to push the door open. 

'Spike?" she called out into the darkness.

"He's not home. Go away."

"Spike..."

"Leave a message after the tone. Damn. Terribly sorry. Tone's broken. Just leave."

Buffy walked deeper into the crypt, struggling to see where he was without light. Spike came up behind her, and rested his hands on her shoulders, then running them down her arms to hold her hands.

"You forget something, luv?" he whispered into her ear.

"Heard a noise," she replied back softly, still gripping his hands.

"From where?"

"Outside."

"Outside? Why were you outside?"

"Spike, you're drunk. I'll...talk to you later." She let go of his hands and turned around.

"You gonna leave me again?" For a brief moment, she caught a glimpse of another side of Spike. The side that she didn't get to see often. 

Buffy felt his lips on her neck, gently kissing her. His hands trapped hers again as his lips trailed upwards.

"Stay," he mumbled against her mouth.

"No. It's over."

"Doesn't have to be." Spike let go of one of her hands and placed it on her hip, but it wasn't long before it traveled up to her breast.

"Spike...stop."

"Stop? Or don't stop?"

"Stop."

He stepped back, no longer touching her. "But you came back."

He waited for a reply. When he didn't get one, he continued on. "You know I love you. And I know you hate me. How can you hate someone who loves you as much as I do?"

"I don't hate you."

"You don't love me."

"No. I don't," she said softly. "We...did things...for the wrong reasons, Spike."

"I don't care. You were with me. I liked it and you liked it. What's wrong with that?"

"Everything."

"Or nothing at all." Spike sighed, as he did regularly, even though he didn't need to. Buffy never really understood that. "You should go."

"Yeah. I should."

"Please don't," he whispered. He stepped towards her, but still didn't touch her. "Let me love you one last time." He searched her eyes for a reaction, and then stopped after not finding one. "Didn't think you would."

Buffy bit her lower lip, struggling not to tell him she wanted to sleep with him again. She closed her eyes, trying to fight the urge to kiss him and touch him. She wanted to take him up on his offer all too badly but she knew she couldn't. 

"I can't. You know that."

"Couldn't hurt to ask, right? Or, uh, maybe. Yeah. You know, you're the one who started this whole thing. You kissed me first. I just went along with it. You gave me a little tease of what you have and then you took it away from me. You don't understand that even the undead can have feelings."

"Not the kind without souls."

"But I do. I feel. I feel...electricity flowing between us," Spike hovered his hand over her arm, never touching. His finger roamed over her lips, still not touching, but so near it almost felt like he was. "Now. Can you _feel_ it?" He moved away and began to speak before she said anything, in case she said something that would start up all those bad feelings again. "It doesn't matter. Nothing matters," he added quietly.

"I felt it. I always feel it when it comes to you. I won't deny that. But I'm not going to do anything about it. Yeah, Spike, I liked sleeping with you. You're the only one I can even bear to be around. Being with you makes me lie to my friends and have to feel guilty about it."

"You wouldn't have to feel guilty if you could just-"

"I know! But it's not that easy! Why don't you try telling your best friends that you've secretly been having an affair with a man who isn't a man to begin with, he's a vampire! Let alone he's your mortal enemy and has tried to kill them. What would I say? 'Hey, guys, guess what? You brought me up from beyond the grave, I hate it here and I can't stand you people so I started fucking Spike. For months now, too. Isn't that just the damndest thing?'"

"Could work."

"I don't want to be here."

"I don't want you to be here," he lied. He wanted her from the second she walked into his crypt. Moonlight illuminated her when she stepped in, the door still open. Now it was completely dark, but he could still see with his eyesight. Unfortunately, her expression was unreadable and he couldn't tell if she was lying as well.

"Are you going to tell my friends?"

"No. Not unless you ask me to."

"Thank you." Buffy started to go, but paused when he called her name.

"I'll...I'll be leaving you alone now. I won't come along for patrol or pop in at your house or anything like that. Consider me gone completely."

"Ok," she answered weakly. "Then this is it. This is goodbye."

"It's no big deal. You hate me. Or...don't hate me, as the case may be. Nothing to get worked up about."

"I'm not worked up."

"Your eyes are shiny. Like you're about to cry."

"No reason to cry."

He turned away from her. "Nope. See you never, Slayer."

"See you never, Spike," her voice broke in the middle of the sentence as the onslaught of tears threatened to pour. He was right. There was nothing to be emotional about. So then why did she feel like crying?

Spike clenched his eyes shut, fighting the battle that raged within him. He wanted to throw himself on the ground and beg her not to leave him. The other side of him wanted that bitch gone. He felt like his whole body was being torn in two. He felt like his unbeating heart was breaking inside his chest. He felt.

He reached for a bottle, hoping it had something in it. He needed to dull the emotional dagger that kept stabbing his heart. This was one way.

"I just wanted to let you know that...if I knew my friends wouldn't react badly to this situation...I'd still be with you. I'd probably be with you now," she sniffled, getting too weak to hold it all in.

"I'd be holding you in my arms and kissing you. I'd lay with you until you fell asleep, keeping you close," Spike stopped to sniffle too. "Doesn't matter anymore."

"I guess not." She watched his dark figure walk towards her, then open the door. For the first time since she left him, she saw him clearly. He wasn't really different, just minute traces of something human. Something she never noticed before. Buffy placed her hand on Spike's cheek, stroking cold skin with her thumb. He put his own hand over hers, not really wanting more. Just liking what they were sharing.

Her lips pressed against his softly. Too soft. Too short. Before he knew it, she was gone. And he was awake.


	2. The Road Not Taken

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a product of Mutant Enemy. I am in no way affiliated with it, the show, or any of the characters.

Spike convulsed when he woke up, all of his muscles tense. He was lying on his coffin with a book in his hand. He must have fallen asleep. It must have all been a bad dream. Except for a feeling he had. It felt like he knew all of this in the back of his mind, like everything was familiar and it had already happened. Deja vu. Damn creepy stuff, it is.

The crypt door slammed. Then he saw her and the words tumbled out naturally, almost like he couldn't control it.

"Buffy. Hey now," Spike hopped off the crypt. "If I'd-a known you were coming, I'd-a baked a cake."

His love walked toward him. The deja vu was getting stronger. "I need information."

"Well, suppose I could be helpful. If the price is right. I'm not sure I'm selling out at Double Meat Palace wages, though." Then he remembered. He lived this before. It was like he went back in time. This was the Hellmouth. The idea of traveling to the past was entirely possible here. This wasn't just going back a couple hours. It was a second chance.

"I need to find a guy. Dealer. Calls himself the 'Doctor'."

"Yeah, yeah."

"You've heard of him?"

"Something like that."

"What do you know?"

"I know that I'm holding some demon eggs."

"What?"

"No, wait. I'm not any Doctor. I was holding them here for someone...who knows someone who knows the Doctor. But that's all."

"Who?"

"Someone I play poker with. I lost a hand. Fresh out of kittens. I didn't know what to bet. He said if he won I had to let him use my place for something," Spike explained. He stared at her, wondering if she believed him. "Are you mad?"

"No."

Buffy turned around and started to leave. "Where are you going?"

"To tell Riley you have the eggs."

"I didn't do anything wrong."

"But he needs to know. Those eggs are gonna hatch and we have to stop it."

She pulled out a walkie-talkie from her belt and described the situation into it. When she faced Spike again, she repeated what Riley told her.

"We have to destroy them."

"I can't believe this. You're still going to blow up my basement."

"You heard what Riley said?"

"Um. Vampire hearing. And the like. You know."

"Oh. Yeah. Right. Sometimes I forg-you know, we have to get busy. We have to destroy the eggs." She pulled a grenade from her belt. "I'm sorry that we have to do this...well. No, I guess I'm not. When you harbor demon eggs, you suffer the consequences. Let this be a lesson to you."

"Don't let Slayers know you're holding eggs," he mumbled.

"Why aren't you surprised Riley's here?"

"I just don't care."

Her expression turned into one of alarm. "Get out."

"Hey. This is my crypt and I'll damn well stay here if I feel like it."

Buffy ran over to the hole leading to the basement and kicked down a baby Suvolte demon. "They're hatching. Get out."

'A bit earlier than I remember,' he thought to himself. "What about you?"

He watched as she pulled the pin out of a grenade and dropped it in then ran towards the exit. Spike stood there watching her, not moving. She tackled him when she got to him, trying to cover his bigger body with her much smaller one. The grenade went off and the basement exploded.

~*~*~

Shit. I come from the future to change things around and my basement still gets blown up. My crypt is ruined. Bed, gone. Records, gone. Respect from anyone, shot to hell, not that it wasn't before but more so now since I shag the Slayer and I can't even hold demon eggs. I'm supposed to be happy in my undead life, right? 

I hear a familiar groan from above me and turn my head to see where it came from. At least now there are no lies and she's on top of me, protecting me, not some poof soldier who broke her heart. Hey, how about that. Protecting me. Maybe.

"You ok there, pet?"

"Just a little shaken up. You?"

"You care?"

"Slayer instinct. And the like. You know."

"Yeah." Her face is charred a little bit. I imagine mine is too. She groans again and rolls off of me. "Explosions really take it out of you."

"Not just the grenade induced kind, either." She turns her head so she's not looking at me but I think I can even hear her smile. It feels good to be with her again. Good to be around her, good to have her smile, good to touch her. I'm happy. "I love you."

She looks over at me again, not smiling this time. Oops. "Do you?"

I nod after silent seconds when I was unable to find my voice.

We're both quiet for a long time, not looking at each other, not touching. Happiness doesn't last very long, does it? I jinxed myself. I know it. It felt like hours had passed before she said something again.

"Show me how much."

~*~*~

He turned to her slowly and looked at her in disbelief.

"What?"

Buffy sat up but still didn't face him. "I want you to show me how much. Tell me." He sat up as well. Next to her now, he pushed the veil of hair covering her face behind her ear. Spike kissed her neck softly and whispered next to her ear.

"I love you, Buffy. Too much."

"How much?" She turned to him and held his cold face in her warm hands.

"I've been here before," he said softly. "I'll tell you how much. I love you so much that it kills me whenever you touch me because I know that soon, you won't be touching me. You won't look at me, you won't talk to me. You'll go and I'll sit here in the dark waiting for you to come back." He searched her eyes for some sort of reassurance, something to tell him that he was wrong. "You will come back, won't you?"

She sat listening to without saying any words, so he continued. "I ache for you. You're all I ever think about. I know you'll ignore me and you'll never tell your friends, but you asked me, pet, how much I loved you. You make me care about things I've never cared about before. Now I want you to be safe, and Nibblet to be safe, and all your friends. Even the Whelp. I want to be better when I'm around you. I found love in an enemy. I found beauty in everything I hate. I'm dead, but I've never felt so alive around you. You make my heart beat. You make me feel. When I'm with you, I feel everything. I feel like all the nerves in my body are on fire with need. For you. I burn for you. I burn for you a fire that will never go out. I love you."

Her lips found their way to his, but not for long. Spike pulled away from her. "I'll tell you how much I love you, Slayer. Enough to make myself stop."

"What?"

"I know what you want. You want me to make all the bad feelings go away for a while. When it's all done, you'll tell me you're using me."

She looked away. All of a sudden the room felt too small, like it was shrinking around her. "Can I change it? Can I change the way you feel about me, Buffy? Can I make you love me back?"

"I have to go home."

"Of course you do. It gets too hard for you to handle, and you run away."

"I'm not a coward."

"You are when it comes to love."

"I don't love you."

He smiled in that smug, sexy way that he did and it almost felt like he was...loveable. Sometimes when she was around him, she felt like maybe she did love him. He was good looking. Really, really good looking. He was smart and strong and understood her. He loved her. But then reality would smack her and she would realize that the arms that held her most nights were cold. "Kick me when I'm down, please."

"I would've thought that you were used to it by now."

"Who gets used to being hated?" 

She got to the door, then looked over at him. "Spike..."

"Is this it? Is this when you're going to tell me? Don't bother. It's been playing in my head all night. You can just shimmy on out that door. No wait. Don't shimmy. I like when you shimmy. Just...march out in a really unsexy way."

"Spike."

"I knew this would happen too. I knew that even if I did get a second chance, fate would screw me over, pull a Groundhog's Day and before you know it, I'm reliving this night for the rest of my life. I should have known that I don't deserve the prize. I'll lose no matter what, you know. That's why they call my kind the damned."

"Just shut up, okay?"

"To give you time to say you're using me and it's killing you? Don't think so. Go now. Be on your merry way." He walked to the door and opened it.

"You were honest with me tonight, Spike. It meant a lot to me and I appreciate it."

"And I appreciate your appreciation. But we both know that appreciation won't get us anywhere. We're doomed. You'll end it. You'll always end it. I don't have the strength to. Maybe one day you might tell someone?" There was a lilt of hope in his sentence. It was quickly replaced by false bravado. "What's the point, hmm? Who needs to know? Why does it matter? Or you know what else? Why does it matter that you fuck a vampire? Why do they care? It's your life. It's not like I go around killin' and eatin' babies or women and such. Can't kill at all." False bravado indeed. 

He chose to stare at a wall instead of her, deciding that less thoughts were involved when you just looked dirt and rocks and all of that sort. 

"Someone does know."

He continued to stare at the wall. "I'll bet." A moment passed before his curiosity was peaked. "Who?"

"Tara. I told her. She didn't find out at my party, it was before that."

"Of course. With the...cramp. She knew all along. So much for shy-Wicca. She played me good."

They both looked down at the floor, when all of sudden Spike realized something. "So wait. You told somebody? About us?"

"Sorta. Maybe. Yes." She glanced up at him. He was grinning. It was insanely annoying. Not at all adorable. Ok. Maybe a little bit adorable. "What?"

"You love me. I knew it. Why else would you tell anybody about it?"

"Oh please. Let's not over inflate our egos."

In a quick flash she was lying on the ground with him on top of her.

"I know you love me. You love me, you love me, you love me."

"You love yourself." Buffy tried to get up, but didn't use her full strength.

"I'll let you go. Once you say it." He was still smiling, the doofus. It made her smile too. It was disgustingly sweet. 

"I...like you. But I don't love you."

"You're lying. I can see it in your eyes, Slayer. You told Tara about us. You need me. You love me. You just gotta say it."

"I like being around you. Sometimes."

"Shh. Cut to the chase." She just smiled up at him. "Buffy! What do I have to do to make you tell me you love me?"

"How about make me love you?"

"You little bint. It's just three words. Why can't you say it?"

"I loathe you." 

"Close, but no cigar." She giggled beneath him. He was happy again. His Slayer loved him, even if she wouldn't say it. He knew she did. There was a new feeling in the way she touched him. Her smile was more genuine. Her eyes sparkled when she looked at him. Her telling Tara was a reassurance to his doubts. She loved him. All was right with his world. He silenced her by kissing her, softly and deeply. A very familiar kiss in a new way. Exciting.

"I have a secret," she whispered into his ear. One of her hands was playing with his hair, and the other was stroking his back. His head rested in the crook of her neck. "I've been sleeping with a vampire. He thinks I love him."

"Do you?"

"Promise you won't tell?"

"I'm a Big Bad, love. I don't make promises."

"You better not tell him."

"A promise this once. For the woman I love."

"Nope. I don't. Not one bit."

He rested for a little while on her neck then turned to look at her. "Liar. Say what you will. I know the truth." He kissed her again, and she kissed him back. Soon it was more than kissing. They fell into familiar patterns. He undressed her, then himself, and it became more than kissing and more than foreplay. It was even more than sex. This time, it was an act of love. It wasn't just passion and reckless abandon. It was emotion-pure, simple emotion-that brought them there. He loved her and she loved him in that nonverbal sensual way. That night above the ruins of his crypt, Spike and Buffy made love. That night, entangled together in each other's arms, she whispered those three words he longed to hear. Yes, all was right with his world.


	3. Something Better

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a product of Mutant Enemy. I am in no way affiliated with it, the show, or any of the characters.

The pair laid together until he fell asleep. Buffy slipped away from him sometime before sunlight, and he woke up alone. He knew it was still dark when she left because they were lying in front of the door and he wasn't ashes. Maybe she got scared, or maybe she had to go home to Little Bit. He remembered rolling over, only to find nothing but air. He remembered the night before, with his time warp and his new relationship with Buffy. But Spike didn't remember her leaving. He didn't remember a goodbye kiss. She didn't wake him up to tell him she was leaving. Last night was a joke. She tricked him. 

Spike stretched out his limbs. He felt sore and horrible and pebbles and rocks dug into his skin. Ugh. He sat up and tried to wipe the stones that were on his back. He lit a cigarette and took long drags from it until it was gone. He probably would've had another one but he didn't want Buffy to think he was a chain smoker. And plus he was almost out. 

He wondered if it was dark outside. Not like he had a window to look out of. And he definitely wasn't taking chances with the door. His only clock was downstairs and at first, he contemplated going down there and seeing what time it was, but then he remembered all of his stuff was in the explosion. Usually he had a sense of what was day and what was night. No such luck tonight. Or today. Whichever. Lately he'd been awake all night and day with little sleep. Sometimes it all felt the same.

The vampire almost jumped at a rustling outside his door. 'So I guess all my senses are dulled today, hmm?' He smiled at the thought of last night when he went on sensory overload. 'Last night was nice.' His attention turned to the door once again when it sounded like someone was trying to get in.

"Hey! Who's there?" Spike received no answer except for the rustling again. "Who's out there?"

The door burst open. The first thing Spike noticed was that it was night. And then he saw her. He briefly wondered how he could've seen outside before he acknowledged her presence. He didn't feel her there like he always did. What the bloody hell was wrong with him? It better not have been that time warp thing. "What are you doing here?"

"I just went home. Only for a little while. I had to tell Dawn I was okay, had to see if she was ok. And I showered." Then she held up the two bags she was carrying. "I brought you some stuff."

He looked at her surprised. "Did you?"

"Mm-hmm. This bag has some blood from the butcher and this bag has some Chinese food from that place a couple blocks down from the Bronze...or you know. Maybe the other way around. They both have something in it and you're going to open them anyway. I didn't know what you felt like eating. Your eating habits are kind of bizarre for a vamp." She noticed he looked kind of confused. "What?"

"You. You're here. And you...bought me food."

"Well yeah."

"Why?"

She smiled at him. "You know why."

He smiled back. "Humor me."

"I care about you." She walked over to his mini-fridge and put the bags inside, then made her way over to him. Buffy wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. "I was hoping you'd still be asleep when I came back. I wanted to surprise you."

"Well, I just woke up," he mumbled against her neck. His hands moved from her slim hips to her hands so he could hold them.

"I could tell. You don't have any clothes on."

"Maybe I walk around here naked. You don't know what I do when you're not here. And I was surprised." He swayed her around a little then held her still. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"I like this. I like this sweet thing that we have. And I like being in love with you. I like you being nice to me. This is better than I ever dreamed."

"I love you," she whispered into his ear. He was nuzzling the tender skin on her neck. "I love you more than I ever thought I could."

"And I love you even more than that."

"Did you think that I left you?"

"Of course I didn't. I was barely awake." He let go of her hands and reached for his jeans that were on the ground. 

"You're getting dressed?"

"You don't want me to?" He grinned.

She smiled back. They'd been doing a lot of that mutual smiling thing lately. It was nice. Soon she was back in his arms and kissing him. The kissing led to some groping and touching. In other words, a hot and heavy make-out session. Buffy started to unzip the fly of her jeans but Spike stopped her.

"What?" she asked him, perplexed and out of breath.

"You showered already. And you changed. I don't want to get your clothes dirty."

She smiled and tried to kiss him again. "That's why I'll take them off."

"Don't you have to work today?"

"No. I have the day off but everyone thinks I'm at work. I'm free to spend the day with you."

"What if they go there to see you?"

"They won't." She continued her attempts to touch him and kiss him but he kept backing away.

"And if they do?"

She stopped and stood still. "Why are you making excuses? Don't you want to be with me?"

The innocence in her voice only made him want her more. Spike was crazy about her. He definitely wanted to be with her and do unmentionable things to her all day long. He just wasn't sure if he could. Yeah, his part to do said things was ready, but he wasn't really feeling well. He felt...weird and not like himself. He couldn't feel her when she was outside, his senses were dulled. Buffy said she loved him. Maybe something was going on.

"Spike."

"Hmm?"

"What's wrong? You don't want to sleep with me and you ignore me."

He took the few steps toward her that separated them and hugged her. "Sorry, love. I'm just..." he paused, searching for the right words. He could tell her he wasn't feeling like himself, or he could say it was nothing and he could shag her silly. Oh, such a _tough_ decision.

~*~*~

He walked down the stairs into the empty lab. He checked his watch. 5:30 AM. Dawn was setting in. The creatures of the night would be going back to their hiding places, back to the darkness. They always go back to the dark. It wouldn't be different today.

"Agent Anderson, what do you have for me?" the man asked the agent.

"The subject vacated the nest at approximately 0300 hours - 3 AM - arrived at her home around 3:14, left at 4, and returned to the crypt with two bags containing unknown contents at 4:58."

"Where is she now?"

"She's...she's still there."

"With him?"

"With the vampire, yes."

"What else do you have for me?"

"There are photographs, but honestly, I don't think you want to see them sir."

"Show them to me."

Agent Anderson handed a manila envelope to his boss, who promptly opened it. The man sifted through them one by one, with emotion lacking in his face. They were harmless pictures, really. Buffy exiting Spike's crypt, Buffy looking both ways before crossing the street -always the advocator of safety, even in all hours of the night-, Buffy arriving to her home and unlocking the door. Then, not so harmless. Buffy under Spike, on top of him, completely naked, always with an expression of pleasure.

He shoved them back into the envelope. Too many pictures he didn't need to see. He handed the envelope back to the agent. "Good work."

"Thank you, sir."

"Dismissed." The agent left quickly.

The plan was going accordingly. Buffy was close to Spike, physically and emotionally. All he had to do was set up the rest. 

The man looked down at his watch again. It wasn't ticking. He hated when this happened. He'd bought a special lithium battery for it, and it still didn't last long. Regardless of his broken watch, he knew what time it was. He knew the sun was about to rise. He knew he had seven more days to start his plan. All would be successful.

~*~*~

"Do you know where Buffy is? I went by the Doublemeat Palace today looking for her...she does have work today, right?"

"She's not at work? She left at like, four this morning. And she was gone all night. So I guess I don't know. Sorry, Riley," Dawn said. 

"You think we should be worried? Baby Suvoltes are carnivorous. Maybe something went wrong at Spike's crypt."

"Nah, she seemed okay when she got home. She looked happier, I guess. Really smiley and dopey. Oh my God."

"What?" 

"Maybe Buffy's on drugs. She was acting really weird, like she was high or something. You think she's on drugs?"

"Dawn."

"Sorry."

"I could go to Spike's and see if he knows where she is."  


"Hey, yeah, that's a good plan. I mean she's not at work and she can't be fighting demons because it's 2 in the afternoon. Maybe Spike knows. But beware, he gets so grumpy when he gets woken up. And you know he's asleep, with the sleeping during the day thing."

"How do you know?" Riley asked.

"Well when Buffy...died and stuff, Spike took care of me. He watched over me and protected me, so he was around a lot. He fell asleep sometimes. I'd try to wake him up and he'd be upset for a few minutes until he fully woke up and then he'd apologize like he did something wrong." Then Dawn got quiet. "Sometimes he'd talk in his sleep. I'm not sure what about, I think he was dreaming...but he'd cry and say 'I failed you.' I think he was dreaming of Buffy. You know, anyone who thinks Spike is a monster or that he doesn't love Buffy is wrong and they don't know him. Sometimes you just kinda forget that he's William the Bloody. He's just Spike, a friend. Like Xander, but tougher. He's trustworthy, no matter what they say."

"Are he and Buffy...friends? Or do they just fight together?"

"I think he just helps her. Lately this year though, they've been spending more and more time together. She says she hates him, but she'll defend him. In battle and whenever someone says something bad about him."

Riley took some time to think about this. Sure, he was with Sam now, and he loved her very much. He didn't love Buffy the same way anymore but something was...off about the fact that Buffy even had a place for Spike in her life. To Riley, Spike was still Hostile 17. But then he never was supposed to be Hostile 17 in the first place, was he? Spike was never supposed to be chipped and now it was time to right some wrongs.

"I'll go to Spike's now. He'll probably know where Buffy is," he said finally.

"Ok. See you later."

The agent left the house bound for the crypt. Riley knew about Spike's feelings for Buffy. It was obvious. Spike fawned all over her, helped her slay, stole her clothes. But he always thought it was just some crush and now it turns out that Dawn thought Spike really loved Buffy. Love as in the emotion humans feel. Part of Riley thought it wasn't possible because Spike didn't have a soul, but another part thought it wasn't possible not to love Buffy.

He arrived at the crypt soon and hesitated to open the door. Instead, he knocked. It was an impulse. He heard movement, then a deep male voice. Followed by a female voice. Buffy's. There was more movement and more talking, and then Spike said to come in.

He hid in the darkness until the door was closed and then Riley could see him. He only wore his black jeans and Buffy was nowhere in sight. He knew he heard her voice when he was outside, but where was she now?

"What are you doing here?" Spike asked.  


"I'm looking for Buffy."

"What, she wasn't at work? Poor kid needs the job. Hate to think her and the Little Bit would be running around homeless, all vulnerable to prey and such."

"So you haven't seen her?"

"Can't say that I have. Sorry, Finn. Haven't talked to her since...last night, I reckon. Slayer blew up my basement-oh, but you knew that." Spike smirked. "You told her to do it."

"I know."

"I'll bet you do."

"No. I know. Buffy was here after that." Riley looked defiantly into the vampire's eyes. "I know she's still here."

"Yeah? And how much do you _think_ you know?"

"That's not the real question here, Spike. Did you hurt her? Is that why she's here?"

Spike scoffed. "I know your brain span is not nearly large enough to understand this, but Buffy, that incredible, strong, kind, and gentle woman, actua...never mind. Forget I said anything." The peroxide blonde took cigarettes out of his pocket and looked around for his lighter.

"Actually what?" The vampire ignored him and continued to search for his silver lighter. "Spike. Actually what?"

"I had it somewhere. Where did I put the damn thing..."

Riley shoved Spike into the wall. "Buffy actually what?"

"You better watch it, Soldier Boy. Things have changed around here since you fled, and I don't stand for being pushed around anymore," he said with contempt. It was bullshit, of course. The chip still worked in a really big way, but he had to keep Captain Cardboard off his back. "And I said never mind. So drop it. It's not important."

"I heard her voice when I stood outside, where is she?"

"You got a light?"

"Here," she said. Buffy came out of her hiding space holding Spike's lighter. She was fully dressed, and looked as presentable as one could after shagging and sleeping on a dirt floor then rushing to get dressed in a cramped space. She looked tired and she didn't get enough sleep, but luckily Riley knocked, and didn't just burst in or he would've seen her sleeping in Spike's arms.

Spike gave her a small quick smile that he was sure the agent missed. Riley may not have seen that, but he did observe the way she gave him his lighter. He expected her to toss it at Spike so that there would be no contact between them. Instead, he walked up to her and tried to take it, but she wouldn't let go. She tried not to smile, but Riley saw. Spike coaxed her hand open by pulling each finger off one by one. He tried not to smile back. Bizarre.

"Thanks, love." That wasn't as bizarre. Spike always called women 'love'. But it almost seemed to have an entirely new definition with Dawn's information and the teasing he just saw.

She approached her ex-boyfriend. "Hi."

"Hey," Riley replied. Spike rolled his eyes and lit his cigarette.

"So...you're looking for me?"

"I wanted to know how it went last night with the Suvoltes."

"Great. Not a one survived," Buffy said with a bit more cheer than she intended.

"I guess you and Spike make quite the team."

"Not really. Just...sometimes. When we slay. Right, Spike?"

He was smoking his cigarette and not really paying attention to either of them. "Hmm? What did you say, pet?"

"And this is where I usually leave because Spike doesn't listen to me. He drinks, he smokes, he swears. Ain't he great?"

"Ah, bugger off, Slayer." Spike turned to face the wall so neither could see him smile. He hadn't smiled so much since...God, it felt like forever ago. And it was really nice. He was happy now.

"Well, uh, okay. I was just checking to see if you were all right. Your friends said you'd be working today so I checked the Doublemeat Palace, and they said you had the day off. Your friends weren't really worried exactly because they thought you'd be at work, but once I said you weren't there, they freaked a little. You should call them or something and let them know you're safe."

"Oh. Yeah. I'll do that," she said rapidly. That was bizarre too. Now it was time to start asking them some questions.

"Hey, Buffy?" Riley called to the blonde woman. She turned to him in response. "So what exactly are you doing here, hanging out in a dark dank crypt with a shady vampire who may be responsible for harvesting the Suvolte eggs?"

"Spike is not the Doctor." Uh, here comes number three. Bizarre. She just defended him.

"How do you know for sure? Because he told you? You know better than that Buffy. You can't trust him. He lies and he manipulates people and he's doing it to you."

"Hey, now. I may lie and manipulate, but I'm a creature of evil and it's my sacred duty to instill the forces of darkness and whatever." He dropped his cigarette to the floor. "Bloody hell, that wasn't the point. I'm not the Doctor. Buffy knows that. We're okay for now, yeah?" She nodded. "Okay. End of story, white bread, you and the missus go on back where you came from."

"Spike. Shut up," she said. Ah. Less bizarre. Reassuring even. "Okay, Riley, you made your point. You don't like Spike. And really, I don't either. But at least to me, he's tolerable. He's helpful with demony things and stuff. I was here discussing my plan for attack on a vampire gang, and he said he'd help me. I need his help. He's the only one of my friends that can actually fight and hurt a demon. Not that Spike's a friend or anything...you know what I mean."

Riley apologized-to Buffy, and not to Spike-and soon left. By this time, the vampire had lit another fag, his last one in the pack. He smoked a lot under high-stress situations. She gave him a pointed glance.

"It's my last one, love, I promise." The unusual pair were both silent until he finished his cigarette. "So, are you leaving now?"  


"Do you want me to?"

"No. But don't you have to tell your friends you're okay?"

"Riley will probably tell them. They know I'm all right anyway." She yawned.

"You tired?"

"Heh. What can I say? You wear me out." The Slayer smiled coyly.

"Don't you want to sleep in your own bed? It's cold here and even I'm getting sore."

"I don't mind. Honestly, if there was any place that I could choose to sleep, I'd choose here. With you."

It was his turn to smile. He loved her so much and she loved him back. She chose to be with him instead of her warm safe home. He'd seen Buffy Summers in many different ways. He'd seen her in various states of undress, disgust, fight, happiness, sorrow, and pleasure. But he'd never seen this Buffy Summers. This was the Buffy who loved him and wanted him. She was nice to him. And it felt so good. Right now more than anything he wanted to pounce on her and ravage her, but she was tired and he was tired and slumber, at the moment, began to feel more powerful than his lust.

His duster was lying in a wrinkled pile in the corner. Spike brought it over to the middle of the floor and spread it out leather side down. She watched him from her place against the wall and realized he was trying to make her comfortable. When he asked he questions about going home earlier, it wasn't because he was trying to get rid of her. He wanted something better for her than the dirt. He wanted the best for her, and if he couldn't get that, he made due with what he had. She loved him for it. She loved him for a lot of things and it felt like now she could see through the haze that accompanied her from Heaven. Everything now seemed to make sense to her, like who she cared for in this world. All of a sudden, and not just because she was with him, she felt right again. 

Spike held out stretched out on the duster and patted the space next to him. She came to him without hesitation and kneeled down next to him. 

"I feel good." The words poured out of her mouth uncontrollably, but they were genuine. She laid down beside him and let him wrap his arms around her. She whispered words of affection into his ear while he held her tighter. Soon she slipped off to slumber and he smiled contently. What could go wrong?


	4. Something Worse

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a product of Mutant Enemy. I am in no way affiliated with it, the show, or any of the characters.

When Buffy woke up again, Spike still was next to her. Only he wasn't asleep. He just laid next to her in the same position he was in when she fell asleep. She sat up to look at him. He stared up at the ceiling, and he blinked so quickly it almost looked like he wasn't blinking at all. His face was expressionless, until she called out his name. As quick as his blink, his lips twitched into a smirk.

"You sleep like the dead, pet," he said. His voice was soft and gentle. Buffy just wanted to hear him talk all day. His voice was soothing and beautiful, and flowed like the water in rivers.

"You'd know." She cupped his face in her hand and pressed her lips to his. His arms wrapped around her to keep her to him but eventually she stopped for air. "I should get home."

"When are you coming back?"

"I don't know. Not soon, since I stayed out all last night. But I'll meet you on patrol, okay?" He nodded reluctantly. Neither said anything and soon she was gone.

Spike patted his chest for a cigarette, only to come in contact with bare flesh. He forgot he wasn't wearing a shirt, and he forgot he didn't even have any cigarettes left. It was going to be a long night before he got to go out on patrol.

~*~*~

The lights were on at her house when she arrived, so she assumed it was still a reasonable hour. It was night and sunset was after 6:30, so it couldn't be that late. Could it?

Buffy glanced at the clock on her way in. It was only 8:24. She looked around to see if her sister and best friend were around.

"Dawn? Willow? I'm home!" she called out.

"We're in here," Willow called back.

"And here would be where?" Buffy asked to herself quietly. She found them in the dining room, seated at the table-along with Riley. "Hi, guys. What's goin' on?"

"Oh, we were just talking and catching up. Turns out Riley is staying right here in Sunnydale," Willow replied.

"You are? Here? Well, what about Sam?" 

"Sam is going back to Central America for a couple months. They have a special mission for her, but they didn't say anything about me, so here I am," he answered. "But she'll be back in a matter of weeks."

"Oh," Buffy said softly. "Have you guys eaten?"

"We ordered some pizza. Actually it should be here really soon," Dawn said to her older sister.

"Hey, Buffy, can I talk to you for a second?" She shrugged and followed him into the loving room.

"So what's up? Is it about Spike? 'Cause I told you, he helps."

He spoke with a hushed voice. "No, no, this isn't about Spike at all. All right, Willow and Dawn told me about your debts and the DoubleMeat Palace, so I contacted my supervisors and pulled some strings to do this. How would you like a job with the Initiative?"

"The Initiative? Oh, Riley, I don't...I mean after our experiences last time..."

"It's the now new-and-improved-Initiative though. No killing and brainwashing and medicines and chips and whatever. Well, we still have the chip program for captured demons, but not for our employees."

"Still, it's pretty risky. The Initiative is so...secretive...like some sort of conspiracy, you know?" He looked at her confused and she went on. "No, I guess you don't know. Well, uh, if I took the job, what would I have to do?"

"You'd only have to help capture the subjects. It's very simple."

"Simple? So it doesn't...pay a lot?"

"It's $1500 per demon captured. And it being Sunnydale, I don't think it's a little. You may catch 20 a month, Buffy, and you'd be paid $30,000.00. From what I understand, that's more than you make in a year at the DoubleMeat Palace." She widened her eyes in surprise. This job would combine her salary situation and her Slayer duties. She'd basically be getting paid for slaying...well, minus the killing. The job was starting to look very appealing.

"God, thirty thousand...and there's no catch?"

"Well, you can't tell anybody about it. Not your friends, not your family, no one. As far as they know, you'll still be working at DoubleMeat Palace. Now this thing is a night job, so you can tell people you were assigned night shifts, and hen you can get your rest during the day," Riley explained.

"So it's still with the secrecy then?"

"I'm afraid so. You can talk to coworkers about it, but that's it."

"Do I capture every demon and vampire I see?" she asked apprehensively.

"Buffy, Riley, the pizza's here!" Dawn called from the kitchen.

"Okay, Buffy, I'll give you the specifics on Thursday...if you take the job. Do you want some time to think about it?"

"It's okay. I already know my answer. I want the job. That's a lot of money, and there are always lots of demons in Sunnydale. I accept your job offer, Riley Finn, and do I start on Thursday?" He nodded and they walked into the kitchen.

~*~*~

Spike stalked through the cemetary, hitting Buffy's usual spots. He had to keep busy to fight his nicotine cravings since he couldn't afford any cigarettes just yet. When he fought and staked two fledgling vamps, he took a break and decided to wait for her in one place. He went back to his crypt and sat down by a tree. The rough bark scratched his back unbearably but his upright posture made his sore muscles feel better. He kept a lookout while he waited, for anything mysterious moving around and for Buffy, but nothing. There was nothing. God, how boring. And he really needed some smokes.

Spike waited, and waited, and waited. He got up to stretch around a bit, but activity was slow. There weren't any other vamps. For a few brief moments he considered taking some of the longer cigarette butts and relighting them, but then when he reached for it he realized he was mental and had far too much time on his hands. Speaking of time, where the hell was Buffy? She was late. She was never late, not for patrol at least. Spike waited some more, and finally decided that if she really wanted to see him, she'd find him in his crypt.

He really didn't understand it. This was what she had to do. She went on patrol every night. But why not tonight? If there was something that popped up at home, he understood. But she wasn't here and there didn't seem to be any special circumstances. She did love him, he could see it in her eyes when she said it. He really, really didn't understand it. He walked the short distance to his crypt agitatedly. Only more than angry, he was sad. He wanted to see her before she went to sleep, he wanted to kiss her and tell her good night. He didn't when she left. It was weird.

~*~*~

The sun shined brightly through the blinds. She sprawled out on her bed contently with a small smile and opened her eyes. Now Buffy was aware of her surroundings. She was in her bed, in her own room, without Spike. She forgot to meet Spike last night. How could she have not gone out to patrol? Spike must've thought...well knowing Spike and his defensive nature, he wasn't going to be happy. But it wasn't like she intentionally didn't go out because he was there. She wanted to spend time with her best friend and Dawn and lost track of time. And she was really tired from her lack of sleep lately.

Her first instinct was to get out of bed and go to him, but the tantalizing warmth of the blankets drew her back to slumber. But it was okay. He'd understand if she explained it to him tonight, right? He was understanding. Oh, no he wasn't. He was quite stubborn actually. But at that moment, Buffy couldn't think. She was tired and comfortable and somehow, it was so easy to fall asleep even when she had to go to work. But that was okay too because she didn't have to work there for much longer. 

~*~*~

Spike was sitting on his duster in the middle of the floor. He wore it outside, and then set it back down. He hadn't slept, and it showed in his face. He ached to lay down and just sleep the day away but he still had hope that she'd come in. She would, wouldn't she? Because she loved him, and wanted to be with him and around him. She wouldn't forget that she said she'd meet him. It wasn't a promise though. It wasn't like she promised him she'd be out there and they'd fight together.

He knew it was daylight. He knew because he counted the minutes that turned into hours. She wasn't going to be here today, because she had work. She had to support Dawn and save their little family. There was no use in continuing to stay awake. There was no use in waiting for her now. Now he could sleep.

When he laid down, his eyes only closed to blink. He was so tired. He was so tired that he couldn't even think straight. He couldn't sleep though. He tried, he really did, but he could only think about Buffy. Spike wasn't obsessed, he was upset and confused and really, really uncomfortable. Things were beyond abnormal in Sunnydale. Maybe it was just the extreme fatigue but it almost felt like his mind was being messed with. 

Suddenly he felt a shock in his head, similar to when he hit a human. But obviously, there were no humans around. Intense, searing pain followed it. He clutched his head in a reflexive attempt to stop it but the pain wouldn't stop. He thought he heard someone else's voice and he soon acknowledged that it was his own. 

Finally it started to let up, but he was already beginning to black out. 

~*~*~

"Sir, there's some new information," reported Agent Anderson. "We've followed your orders and shut down the vampire's chip."

"How did he react?" the same man from before asked.

"Badly, sir. The vampire had very negative responses. The chip was imbedded deeply into the subject's brain, and when it was shut down, it send electric impulses through the nerves. We can't really say for sure what happened to him, but we believe that the impulses may have given him a seizure, and it's possible there may have been some minor brain damage. We do know for sure though that he experienced a great deal of pain from it." Agent Anderson took out a new manila envelope and showed his boss the pictures that were inside. 

Some pictures showed Spike's face contorted with anguish, some showed him shaking on the floor, and some showed him lying down unconscious. "Is he dead or just knocked out, Agent?"

"He's a vampire, sir, we're not really clear on that. It's hard to tell since he doesn't require air and doesn't have a heartbeat. We'll be keeping a close eye on him though." The man went through the other pictures.

"What's going on here?"

"Ms. Summers falls asleep next to him, and he stays awake. She leaves, he's still awake even after that. Three hours later he goes out into the cemetary-probably looking for her. She's always in the cemetary around 11. He kills two vampires, and waits outside of his crypt for a few hours, then goes in. He still doesn't fall asleep. Then we shut off his chip, and now he's resting."

"Are you positive he doesn't know what happened to him?"

"Just about. He was led to believe that the only way to stop the chip was to get it taken out, and even if he knew we could shut it off, he'd think there'd be no reason to."

"Keep up the good work. Only next time, I want specifics. I want times and whereabouts for him and the Slayer."

"Sir, you knew the whereabouts of Ms. Summers. You were..."

"I may not next time. Dismissed." Agent Anderson nodded and went upstairs. The man sighed and sat down at his desk. The first two phases of the plan were complete. The Initiative had shut down the last remaining subject's chip and recruited the Slayer. Day Two had already begun, and there were still many things to complete with only about five days left. Maybe things weren't going as successfully as he first thought. They needed to speed things up.

~*~*~

"Spike? Spike?" Buffy was shaking him, trying to wake him up. "Spike? Open your eyes!"

"Shh. No need to yell." He lifted his eyelids, which now felt like such a tedious task so he let them close again. It was easier this way. "I knew you wouldn't let me down, Slayer. I knew you would finally go out on patrol."

"No, Spike, I didn't go out on patrol last night. You've been asleep all day."

"There was a thing...in my head. It was like fire in my brain, and it hurt so bad and it wouldn't stop."

"Maybe you should eat. When was the last time you ate?"

"You didn't meet me last night? I was awake and I was waiting for you." His eyes still felt heavy when he tried to open them again. He decided not to even bother. "Why didn't you meet me?" 

His speech was starting to get more clear. Before, it was more slurred. She assumed he was drunk and had a hangover. "Were you drinking last night?"

"No. I was waiting. And you never showed."

"I'm sorry, Spike."

"Buffy. Where were you?"

"I forgot, okay?" she answered coldly.

Finally he opened his eyes. "You forgot? You forgot about slaying, and keeping this town safe? You forgot after doing this night after night for seven years? You forgot...about me." She looked down at her hands and began to wonder how she could forget. He brought up really good points. But it happened, and she couldn't change that. She got up and got him the pig's blood from the refrigerator.

"Here."

"I'm not hungry."

She tried to sit him up, but he kept swatting her hands away. "You need to eat, Spike. Just stop being difficult for a minute and drink it!"

"I told you! I'm not hungry!" He hit the jar and it flew to the wall and broke. "I don't need you to feed me, Buffy."

"You are being childish, Spike. I was just trying to help."

"I didn't want your help. I wanted to see you again last night but hell, you 'forgot.'"

"I thought that you would understand. I spent a whole night and day with you. I needed to see my friends and my sister. And it's not like I promised you or anything. I don't get why you're so mad."

"Go away."

She stared at him, angry that he could be so selfish and get drunk about it. Buffy sighed and left. She had better things to do at the moment then deal with him.

~*~*~

__

Thursday

He hadn't seen her since she came into his crypt last night. He was finally feeling better and thought it best to apologize to Buffy. He hated being on her bad side. And she was right. He was being childish and mean and he should have understood why she didn't meet him. It still hurt that she didn't though. She forgot. He laughed sadly. That hurt, too.

Spike walked to her house once it got dark, only to see a familiar black SUV in their driveway. He hid behind some bushes across the street. Wasn't that Finn's? But why would he be there? Wasn't he supposed to be back in Central America or wherever the hell he was?

He saw Buffy wearing her stealth-army gear when she snuck out from her bedroom window. She smiled and waved to the SUV, then got in on the passenger side. What the bloody hell? Was Buffy working for the Initiative again? She wouldn't though. She knew that those were the wankers who took away his freedom. She knew he was against them. She wouldn't take a job that he was against. Would she?

The SUV left and Spike went back to his crypt. Everything felt...muddled together into a tight ball inside his chest. Buffy didn't understand him. She didn't understand why he was upset when she didn't meet him, didn't understand that the Initiative was evil, didn't understand at all. He was beginning to have his doubts about the way he read emotions in her eyes. Maybe it wasn't love that he saw?

He was close to the cemetery when he saw a vampire about to bite a woman next to the mausoleum. Why tonight? He wasn't up for any stakings tonight. Hey, he wasn't the Slayer, what did he care? He looked back at them, shrugged and moved on. No, that wasn't right. Spike still loved Buffy, even if she was forgetting about him. He still wanted to be better for her. 

He ran to the vampire, and threw a couple of punches. Spike switched to game face. It always made the fight feel more natural. The woman stared in fear when he did it. She started screaming and the younger vampire turned to tell her shut up. She didn't.

Spike punched the vampire again...but he ducked. Spike's fist connected with the woman's face and she fell to the ground unconscious. He awaited the migraine, but there was nothing. There was no pain at all, not for him at least. So then he did the first thing that came to mind. Spike ran.


	5. When It Rains part a

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a product of Mutant Enemy. I am in no way affiliated with it, the show, or any of the characters.

"So I'll go out every night and capture the demons on lists that you and your superiors make? What if I kill them or something? Is my pay docked?" She asked him in the SUV as they drove out to the facility. 

"Not the first three times, but after that, you'll only get paid half of what you normally would." 

"Oh. That's...discouraging. Do I go out alone?" 

"For some jobs you'll go out alone. For tougher ones, we'll send out a team." 

"Do I work every night?" 

"At least four nights a week. At least." 

"I'm sorry I'm asking so many questions. It's just...I want to be sure of everything, you know?" 

"It's ok. I understand. So how'd that vampire gang thing go?" 

"The what thing?" She looked at him with confusion written all over her face. 

"Vampire gang? When you were at Spike's. You were strategizing," he answered. 

"Oh. Yeah. No, that hasn't gone down yet. But I really don't want to be around Spike. He's been kinda moody lately." 

"Tell me about it. I want to know about you and Spike." 

"There's not really a me and Spike to talk about." She looked down at her hands. "He's in love with me." 

"Do you love him?" It was a risky question to answer but she was talking about him a lot lately. Maybe she did love him. 

"No. I don't even like him," she said coolly. He looked over at her. "Hey, eyes on the road. Even I know common sense for driving and I don't even have a license." 

"What, still?" he asked incredulously. "Cars don't seem to work correctly when I'm at the wheel." She smiled slightly. "Hey, Riley?" He glanced at her. "I told you. Do not look away from that street." 

"Okay. Sorry, I know," he responded apologetically. "So 'hey, Riley' what?" 

She paused. Buffy was brave, she knew her friends would understand...eventually. "Hypothetically speaking here, but um, say I maybe did like Spike. As an individual. What would you think?" 

"Do you?" 

"Hypothetically speaking." 

"Oh, well, hypothetically speaking, Buffy, it's your life and you are entitled to like as an individual whoever you want. I'd of course hear you out about it, but it's not my place to make judgments." 

"And if it was more than like? In a romantic way?" 

"Same answer. Now, truthfully speaking, do you love Spike?" 

She inhaled deeply and prepared to tell him the truth about her and Spike.

~*~*~

He'd been walking around in his crypt for what felt like hours now. He didn't really have a purpose to, but he felt like if he stood still too long he might combust. His nerves were jolting him upright and kept him moving. He had to keep busy. Even through heavy pacing, he kept his thoughts on the door. 

He kept hoping that it would burst open and Buffy would come in. She'd punch him, he'd punch her back, they'd fight some more, and then they'd fuck without ever having to discuss last night's issue when she tried to take care of him and he pushed her away. She was just trying to help him. 

Not to mention he was beginning to have a nervous breakdown without any smokes. It could be a good thing because in all honesty, if Spike had some cigarettes, he'd chain-smoke them. That was just the way he was. He couldn't change that. He couldn't change Buffy either. Some part of him tried to bring her to his world in the dark, but ultimately she'd always crawl back out into the sun. 

Sometimes he wished he still had that Gem of Amara. Then he could go out into the sun, and play like a real boy instead of lurking around like a stalker. Spike wasn't about lurking. Well, at least he wasn't ideally. He loved being a vampire. That was the stark naked truth. But every once in a while, he got that craving, that reminiscent craving of being in the sun for all to see. He wanted to be warmed by the sun's rays, he wanted to be lit all over by that gorgeous glow that the sun gave out. He wanted to see Buffy in a bikini on a hot summer day on the beach. It always came back to Buffy, didn't it? 

Deep down somewhere, there was a hidden agenda. Buffy loved being out there with the living. She loved the sun and the heat and the beauty of it all. She loved what that world had to offer her. Spike wanted to be out there because she was there. He wanted to be part of the beauty she saw. 

No, enough Buffy. There would always be Buffy. He didn't want to think about her. Thinking about her...hurt too much. What didn't hurt was when he hit that woman. He punched her. He punched her so hard, she fell unconscious. So maybe he did run away and that vamp would probably kill her, but he played his part in nature's balance. He protected her for a while...hit her yes, but ran away. Bloody hell. He ran away. He really was a joke. 

Something was wrong with Spike. He knew it now for sure. First he traveled back in time, then Buffy said she loved him, which is weird all in itself. He knew it. He wasn't going to deny it. On Wednesday he felt like his brains exploded, and he remembered thinking about the chip, how it felt like it was the chip doing this. And then just now he hit that woman, and it didn't hurt. 

Was it possible that the chip wasn't working? Or maybe...Buffy accepted the job only if they shut down his chip. There were a number of possibilities, as there always were. Maybe though, his chip still worked and it was the woman. Or maybe it really was Spike and it was all some sort of distorted reality. 

His stomach rumbled. Maybe it was time he went out to get some blood and cigarettes, only he couldn't bring himself to do it. He sat down on the coffin, trying to ignore hunger, cravings, and the hurt and confusion he felt because of Buffy. Shush, Spike, don't say that name. 

~*~*~

"Buffy." 

"What?" 

"Are you joking?" Riley asked her. 

She looked out her window longingly. They'd been outside in the parking lot of a building she'd never seen before. "Only in the completely serious way. I do love Spike, even if he is an asshole. He loves me and he takes care of me." 

"Is that what it is? You feel obligated to love him?" 

She sighed. "Can we not talk about this now?" She glanced at the building. "Let's go. Show me the ropes." 

When they got inside the building, Buffy was in awe. From the outside it looked shabby and run down. On the inside, it was high-tech all the way. There were computers and cameras, people in lab coats and in army gear, demons inside cells. "This is...uh, sterile. Everything is so...industrialized." 

He led her to a room that appeared to be for training. Riley reached into a box and lifted one black bundle. "This is the standard black ops uniform. You can keep it here in your locker, and if you need anymore, just tell me and I'll get you some. This way you can leave your home in your uniform from DoubleMeat, change when you get here and when you leave you'll wear the old uniform home." 

"Wow. Did you work out everything?" 

"Not just yet. Did you quit?" 

"Fired. I didn't go to work yesterday, and plus that fiasco on Monday when you were there and I didn't attend to any customers." She smiled to herself. "No more stink, DoubleMeat medleys, and fisherman's nuggets. No grease traps, special sauce, or gum under the tables. Free at last." 

"We should get going. There's a Larox demon in the Restfield Cemetery that's been nesting for a few days in a cave," he said. 

"Restfield?" 

"That a problem?" 

"No, it's just that...Spike. No, I'm being a baby. I can handle Spike. I always have. So let's go. I'm looking to get paid." 

~*~*~

He walked through the cemetery carrying a large brown paper grocery bag. He'd tried to sit still and keep his mind blank, but it always went back to his chip or Buffy or how hungry he was. He bought three jars of pig's blood. Spike hated that stuff but it wasn't like he could hunt—or could he?—and it was something to eat. He also bought a carton of cigarettes, which probably wouldn't last all that long. When you don't have to worry about cancer or diseases, it's so easy to chain smoke. 

The bottom of his bag fell through and out came the jars and cigarettes. Bullocks. Nothing spilled out of its own individual container but you'd think that since there are so many taxpayers that bags would be stronger and more durable. No such luck. Cheap piece of shit. Spike bent down and started to gather them, when he heard voices. Stupid. Why would anyone be taking a stroll in a cemetery at night in a town with such a high death rate? 

They weren't civilians though. They were talking about demons and fighting. Of course. Buffy and that wanker Finn. Probably going to beat something up. 'Oh hell, it better not be me,' he thought. He peered in through the bushes. Yes, it was definitely Buffy and Riley. 

She was smiling. Well, fine. If Buffy wants to lie and smile and very possibly cheat on her boyfriend, then there was nothing that he could do, right? He couldn't confront her because it would show that he was following her. He couldn't stand there and watch her make googly eyes at her ex-boyfriend. Spike was stuck somewhere in the middle. 

He picked up his things and walked away, which was the right thing to do. If there was competition now with Riley, Spike had to stay on Buffy's good side. He was near his crypt when he started to feel small, cold raindrops. He stopped walking. 

Ugh, not rain. Usually he liked the rain. Today it was like tears of ragged desperation wrapping around him in a slow unsteady pace. Horribly slow at the moment. For some reason, he stayed in his same spot. Spike let the rain fall down on him. He even counted the drops that he could feel land on him until it started to get heavier and faster. He looked up at the sky, watching the water drop from unknown heights. With a last look behind him to see if anyone was around, he left the now muddy site. He trudged through the remaining distance to his home solemnly. 

~*~*~ 

The pair tied up the unconscious Larox demon and put it in the van. Buffy's shift was over and she just raked in $1500 dollars. 

"I get to fight the bad guys and make money for it. Yay me," she said. 

"Tomorrow night I'll come get you early so you can fill out some forms for work." 

"Okay, neat." She wiped away the rain that was falling on her face. It'd been raining for a long time and it was starting to seem like it was never going to stop. Not only was it falling fast and heavy, it was cold. "Hey, Riley, do you know what time it is?"

"No, my watch is broken. The damn thing goes through a battery within days. Sorry."


	6. It Pours part b

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a product of Mutant Enemy. I am in no way affiliated with it, the show, or any of the characters.

The door opened, and he heard the rain still falling, coming down furiously. The sound made him tense and angry even, because he knew what had let the sound in. The door closed, and all he heard now was her footsteps. Funny. She was the Slayer. She was supposed to be stealthy.

"Hi," she said softly to him. The hair on the back of his neck rose. Yeah, he was angry and he knew now for sure.

"Wet out there," he replied with equal softness that hid the annoyance he felt.

"Yeah. It is." She sat next to him on the coffin where he was reading a book. "Whatcha readin'?"

Spike showed her the cover, and then took in her appearance. She was soaking wet, and wearing the military ensemble. That made him mad, too. "Nice outfit."

Buffy could sense that he was different somehow. He was distant and...something else that she couldn't pinpoint. "Is something wrong, Spike?"

He shook his head.

Liar. The entire time she'd been here, he hadn't even looked her in the eyes. Something was wrong but he wasn't going to tell her. He was going to be difficult again. "I'm sorry about not meeting you on Tuesday."

"It doesn't matter. It's in the past. And I wasn't drunk last night." She nodded as if she understood what had happened.

"I love you." He didn't respond. He sat in his growing pile of anger. "Even when you're mean or quiet, I love you. Even when you don't look at me, I love you. Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong."

"Tell me you love me." Buffy's words burned into his chest. The last time she said it was before his time travelling stunt. Last time she said it because the man who broke her heart was married to someone else, and she wanted Spike to make her feel loved. This time she was saying it because the vampire she loved was breaking her heart now.

Spike was feeling less mad, but it was hard to form the words. He loved her. He always loved her and would never stop. He just couldn't say it right now.

"And even if you don't say it back, God help me, Spike, I love you." Buffy walked out of the crypt, letting in the agonizing sound of the rain again, and this time after the door slammed shut, there were no sounds. There was only silence.

~*~*~

Buffy leaned against Spike's door. She felt like she was dying. Her whole body felt numb and sick and her heart felt like it was being choked. Spike didn't tell her he loved her. He was cold to her. He'd spent a year telling her that he loved her and following her around, and now once she returned his feelings, he doesn't say a word. Was it a joke? Did he wait until she loved him back so he could hurt her in the worst way? She didn't understand. She didn't want to understand. She just wanted Spike to love her.

The door opened from behind her and she came face to face with the source of the pain she was feeling. She froze for a second, then followed her natural instinct and ran away from him. 

"Buffy, wait!" Spike yelled. He ran after her, using all of his speed and energy to run as fast as he could to catch up with him. Buffy was doing the same, but she could run faster. 

He knew what he saw when she looked at him. He saw inside her eyes, inside her soul. She was crying, breaking inside. She was filled with anguish and fury because of what he did. And he sat there being mad at nothing. Now the only anger he had was at himself. 

Soon Buffy had to stop. She couldn't stop crying, which left her gasping for air, and plus she was running. The rain soaked her through and through, but she didn't care. Her body hurt, inside and out. She didn't even feel this way when Angel left her. She hurt then, but she felt worse now. Spike didn't leave her. He intentionally hurt her. He tricked her. And now she felt like...like she ran into a wall. Like something was crushing her.

Spike finally got to her. She was sitting in the mud with her legs drawn up to her chest. When he looked at her face, it was impossible to tell what were raindrops and what were tears. She stood up quickly. 

"Buffy, I'm sorry." He moved in to take her hand but she pulled her hand out of his grasp and started to walk away. He looked into her eyes again and saw panic. She really didn't want to be around him now, and that hurt him. No, it wasn't fair to say that. He deserved it. He treated her horribly. The rain grew even heavier around them. It drummed against the ground in a loud and relentless pattern. There was a light rumble of thunder that felt almost ominous. Spike looked at her one last time. Her whole body was shaking with the sobs that were wracking through her. He was sorry, he really was. He started to walk away. He couldn't look at her anymore, at what he did.

"Spike." He turned to her. "Don't you love me?" He nodded. "Then why didn't you say it? Why did you...you let me get hurt, Spike. When you love someone, you don't let them get hurt. And not only did you let me get hurt, you were the one who hurt me. I told you I loved you, and sat there ignoring me."

"I'm sorry." She tried to wipe away the water on her face. "I love you, you know I do. You know that I wouldn't hurt you-"

"But you did! I feel like I'm dying inside and it's because of you!" she yelled.

"I didn't mean to."

"Then why did you?"

He sighed and pushed back the wet hair that was falling in his face. "Because I'm insane. I was mad at you for absolutely no reason and I acted stupidly. I messed up, Buffy. And I keep messing up. I am sorry for last night and I am sorry for tonight."

"You were mad at me? If anyone was mad, it should've been me!" By now, she wasn't yelling just because she was irritated. She had to yell to keep her voice above the sound of the rain and thunder.

"You? You were with Riley! You're probably working for the Initiative again and those bastards are playing with my chip and making it do things to my head! You forgot about me! If you knew anything about me, you'd know that working with the Initiative would make me angry and that even if I didn't say it, I do love you. Love goes beyond words." He sighed. "I didn't mean to get mad, pet. I love you. I'd say it a thousand times a day for eternity if you wanted me to."

"How did you know I was working with Riley in the Initiative? No one knows about that. I'm not allowed to tell anyone. How did you know?"

"Look, I was just going to your house to apologize and I saw Riley in the driveway so I hid in the bushes and..."

"You were spying on me?"

"You weren't going to tell me." They were still yelling so that they could hear each other, but both of their comments had a soft, quiet edge to it. "I didn't intend to spy on you. Look, Buffy, it's cold out here and the rain is getting to be a real pain in the ass. I don't want you to get sick. Let's sort this out at my place, okay?" She looked like she wasn't going to go anywhere and wasn't changing her mind about anything. "What am I going to have to do to make everything okay again?"

She was staring at a tombstone blankly. "Did I hurt you when you found out I was with Riley and working for the Initiative?"

"Yes."

"Good," she said. Spike watched the Slayer walk away until he couldn't see her anymore. He was furious now. Buffy was being unfair and cruel. It wasn't like he intentionally meant to hurt her feelings. She was keeping secrets from him. Honestly, he was too but she didn't know about his. No harm, no foul. She wasn't even going to tell him about the Initiative, either. Lately Buffy was messing up much more than Spike was, in his opinion.

He ran after her earlier because he cared, and what did she do? She fought with him. And she wanted to hurt him. Maybe even if Spike put everything he had into a relationship with Buffy, it wasn't enough. He would need her cooperation and dedication, but that wasn't something Buffy was willing to give. 

The rain really was bad luck. Stupid rain. He knew that there was something wrong about it when he felt the first drop fall. Oh, God. At the moment, Spike felt like breaking something into pieces. He walked off to the Bronze in need of a drink...or more.

~*~*~

I've walked around this cemetery at least four times now. I always end up back here. To him. I wonder if he's in there. I wonder if he's mad at me. I think I messed up. I think I've blown it. If he's in there and he's mad at me and I try to talk to him, I know we'll end up fighting. I don't want to fight. I love him. But does he love me?

My throat hurts from yelling earlier. I'm cold and I'm soaked and I don't care. All I can think about right now is trying to work it out with Spike. I ruined my relationship with Riley because I was too aggressive and I have a feeling that Spike's not going to take much more of my attitude. I don't even know how we've come this far. We're different, aren't we? Maybe not as much as I thought.

I thought I knew him. I thought I knew what he was about and everything there was to know about him. Now I know I'm wrong. There are new things that I've just learned and things he's made me wonder about. I know now that when he's asleep, he looks almost like an angel. He looks peaceful and honest and good and everything that an angel is. I know he reads poetry and great classic books. I know the look he gives me when he tells me wordlessly that he's sorry. I thought I knew all his facial expressions. I'm surprised each day when I'll see him from another angle or different lighting and he won't look the same. I'm surprised when he smiles, at the angelic sleep face, at shocked face, pleasure face, sad face, almost dead face, angry face. Heh. Bruised-bloodied-and-bashed-in face caused by me. I'm surprised he knows me inside and out and I barely know anything about him.

Spike watches me. He watches me fight, eat, sleep, walk, talk, cry, laugh, make love. Everything. He knows me. Maybe because unlike him, I'm willing to be known. I tell him about each of the scars on my body that he'll stop and ask about. I tell him I like to be held tightly and closely like he'll never let me go. I remember on Tuesday when we were laying on his duster before I went to sleep, I kept telling him how much I loved him. I told him I thought he was so gorgeous, so perfect. I want to watch him the way he watches me. I want to see him in every angle and in every light. I want to learn every expression. I want to know him and his past. I even want to know William. But I may not even have that chance.

Spike's probably pissed. I assumed the worst of him on Wednesday, accepted a job with the enemy, didn't tell him about it, forgot to meet him, and purposely tried to hurt him. I tell him that I love him. Maybe I should learn how to show it then.

I'm tired of being mad at Spike all the time. Sometimes he doesn't deserve it. But that's me. It's what I do. I don't really know how to...deal with some of the emotions Spike has. They're so real sometimes, so human. It used to be that Spike would tell me he loved me. I didn't want to hear it because I didn't understand. So I punched him. That's not the response I'd want and yet, that was the only response I was ready to give. He puts up with me and he always has. I think it's about time to seriously think and make decisions about where I want to go with Spike.

~*~*~

I don't understand. I...I don't even remember doing it. I remember drinking. Oh, God, I must've been drunk. I know I had a lot to drink, but I never black out. 

All I know is I woke up in an alley outside of the Bronze with the taste of liquor and blood in my mouth and a dead body lying next to me.

Bloody hell. I think I did something bad. I think I killed an innocent girl.


	7. Less Than Perfect

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a product of Mutant Enemy. I am in no way affiliated with it, the show, or any of the characters.

Spike came home to find Buffy sitting in the spot he sat in on the coffin. She was reading his book and didn't even look up when he closed the door. 

"Is it still raining? It was raining after I changed and came here," she said. She was wearing new clothes. And she was very dry. Unlike him.

"No. Not even a drizzle."

She still didn't look up from the book. 

"It's late."

"It is," he replied softly. His voice was soft, barely above a whisper.

"Almost sunrise." She finally looked up at him. "Where were you? See, because I've been here for about three hours. I was here, and you weren't."

"Now you know what it's like to wait." Buffy was staring at him intensely, he could feel it. He couldn't look at her though. He felt...guilty. Killing was his nature but right now he felt scared and confused. Guilty. So guilty. He didn't have a soul, he shouldn't feel this way.

"Are you still mad at me?" He shook his head. "Then look at me." He did. At her eyebrows. Simple trick. It made it look like he was looking at her in the eye, but he wasn't. "I need to talk to you."

"I wouldn't know what to say," he whispered. What was wrong with him? He was tough. So he killed someone. Big deal. He used to do it all the time and it was never a problem. Right now, he was acting shy and quiet. Like William. God. Get a grip on yourself, you poof. You're brave. At least talk louder. It's really embarrassing.

"So just listen." She stood up and stepped closer to him. He felt Buffy's small hands on his waist. Then she started staring again. He wished she would soon stop, but no go. "I've been thinking. A lot."

He cleared his throat. "About?"

"Us, mostly. I love you. You know that." He nodded slightly and then looked down at her hands. Her body was close. They were touching. At any other time, he would've already been kissing her and trying to touch more, get even closer. Spike really did feel torn up inside and he didn't know what to do about it.

"I don't want to lose you. That's the conclusion the hours of thinking brought me to. In a way I kinda already knew that and I wasted a lot of time. But now I'm willing to admit it. I don't want to lose you, Spike."

"You said that already." He was whispering again.

"Yeah, I guess I did. I want to tell my friends about us," she announced. Spike looked up at her with shock written all over his face. "If I can't imagine life without you, my friends really should know. And you don't deserve to be kept a secret. I've treated you badly these past few months...no, longer than that. Ever since I've known you, I've treated you badly. It's about time I started trying to make us work. I'm going to. I promise you I'll try."

He inhaled deeply even though he didn't need to. "How?"

Buffy laughed lightly and held Spike's face in her hands. "How what?"

"How can you love me so much?" 

"I don't know. I didn't want to and I tried not to for such a long time, but you just roped me in. Maybe you're right. I like a little monster in my man."

Panic filled his gut. She thought he was a monster? Was he being obvious about what happened earlier? Did she know? He didn't mean to do it, he didn't. He didn't even understand how he could do it. He had his chip and it was still working...wasn't it? 

"I'm sorry, love. I am."

"You didn't do anything. You have nothing to be sorry about." She caressed his cheek softly. "What's wrong? You seem...sad."

"I'm not. I'm happy." He looked her in the eyes and forced a smile. He almost saw reassurance wash over her. "Thank you. For loving me, for making me happy." Buffy kissed him softly. At first he was unresponsive, but when she wrapped her arms around his neck to draw him closer, he kissed her back. He didn't want to worry her and he knew he would if he was quiet and not his usual self. She pulled away and rested her forehead on his.

"I love you. I want you to know that I'll always love you so much," she said softly.

He took his silver ring off his finger and put it in her palm. "I don't know if you'll want this, Slayer. It's not really...and it's plain..." It was. It had a wide band with a square flat black onyx stone. Black and silver. It was very Spike. He didn't know if she'd want it though. It was far too big for all of her small fingers.

"No, I love it. But why?"

"Promise ring. No matter what, Buffy, I promise I'll love you. Forever."

"Forever," she whispered. 

They kissed for what felt like a long time until she said she had to leave but she'd be back late tonight. Very late.

~*~*~

"How did it go last night, Agent?" the man asked. Agent Anderson's wrist was bandaged up.

"Take a look for yourself, Finn." He unravelled the bandage around his wrist revealing a large deep cut. "I'm never doing this again. You do your own dirty work, even if you are my boss. This wasn't in the job description, and neither was last night's assignment." 

Riley smiled. "If I remember correctly, Anderson, you took on last night's job on your own free will. There was a hefty bonus in it for you, and you decided to do it anyway, despite all risks. Calling me 'sir' was in the job description and if you ever treat me with such disrespect again, you are gone. In the Initiative, we do not just fire people."

"I know." Riley gave him a stern look. "Sir."

They were the only people in the underground lab that they always met in. Things were going well. Buffy knew about the Initiative, she was working for them, Spike's chip was disabled, and now he was supposed to think that he killed someone. Riley could keep an eye on Buffy almost every night since they worked together and he had special agents working on the plan with Spike.

"Commander Finn, sir, I have new information for you. First of all, it seems that there is no brain damage done to Spike. Second, while we were watching the vampire last night at around 10:00, he was outside of his nest with a bag-which broke, if you cared to know-carrying cigarettes and blood, and it appears that he was watching you and the Slayer with the Larox demon."

The man smiled. "Was he? So he saw us together? I guess Buffy has explaining to do."

  
Agent Anderson went on. "He left at 10:11, but he was walking and then he just stopped and stood until 10:24, continued on home. After you and Agent Summers finished up and you came back here, she walked directly to his crypt, which was at about 10:49.

"What we got from the pictures shows them talking, but we don't know what they're saying. We are working on getting a sound device in there, so we can hear at all times. Anyway, she walks out at about 11:06, and he follows her. She runs away, he chases after her, and we lost them. We have no pictures of this because it was raining hard and they were in an unknown location. Also, we don't know what they were doing.

"She comes back alone at about 11:40, and appears to walk around the cemetery. The next time she came back, she wasn't wearing the uniform anymore. She was wearing civilian clothing, and she was much dryer. It's not raining as hard anymore, but she has an umbrella. This is around 2:13. She goes in, he's not there, but she stays inside. 

"Meanwhile, we get the tipoff of Spike being at the Bronze, and you know the rest of what happened there," he said bitterly. "He comes back to his crypt at 5:29, they talk some more and," he cleared his throat, "Kissed until she left."

"When did she leave?"

"At 6:33, sir. But they were talking also, not kissing the whole time."

"Don't talk to me like that, Anderson. I'm not jealous. I love my wife. We're doing this to get rid of evidence, not for vengeance."

"I know, sir." Agent Anderson placed an envelope full of pictures onto the table while Riley put an envelope full of money next to it. Simultaneously each grabbed the envelope meant for them, and the agent departed quietly.

What, not even a thank you?

~*~*~

He was sitting in the corner now. Deep in the corner, away from light, from the world. He kept his now half-empty carton of cigarettes close to him. That made it hard to stop smoking, but he couldn't help it. He felt like he couldn't stop. His knees were pulled up to his chest in an attempt to make himself smaller. He just wanted to disappear.

He couldn't sleep. He was feeling far too nervous and tense. Every time he would lie down, all the muscles in his body would get tight and jerk him upright again. It wasn't like he was even tired though. He just needed to sleep so he could run away from the way he felt and what was happening around him.

Spike was dead. That's a confirmed and definite fact. Spike was without a soul. No doubt about it. So by all means, he should be happy. He killed someone. Hurrah. William the Bloody's back. No guilt, no nervousness, no panic, no stress. At least that was the way he tried to look at the situation. No stress, huh? The pile of smoked cigarettes next to him said otherwise. 

He killed that girl. He tried to deny it, but he knew he did. He tasted the blood in his mouth. The girl had two puncture wounds on her neck. He hit that woman the other day without any pain so the theory of chip malfunction was completely possible. Spike couldn't stop thinking about it. Guilt manifested itself into a tight knot in the pit of his stomach, and he was sure it was never going away. 

He smoked one cigarette after another. At certain points, he'd want a cigarette while he was still smoking one and it disgusted him. He disgusted himself.

Maybe he could go to Red for a spell to...turn back time or something. Everything would be okay then. Maybe then he could fix his troubles with Buffy...no things were fine with Buffy right now sort of. Oh, yeah, Red gave up spells. Balls. 

He could drink. That would make the feeling go away. It had in the past. He thought about it considerably, but then decided against it. What if he got too drunk and wandered outside and killed somebody or something rash like that? No. No, he wasn't going to drink. Besides, he deserved to go with his pain if he killed somebody.

Pain? He had pain? How could that be? He didn't have a soul. That was established before. So why did he feel this way? Maybe he did have a soul. Maybe it wasn't a genuine soul like Angel's, but it was there. It wasn't whole, or even his own, but it was there. Unbeknownst to him, Buffy had given him a piece of her soul when she started caring so much about him.

~*~*~

Buffy rested her head in her hand to hide her smile. She was in the Initiative van with Riley. Her shift was over and they were driving back to headquarters with two vampires unconscious and ready to be tagged.

He looked over at her and started smiling himself. "What are you so smiley about?"

That made her smile more. She couldn't help it. She was happy. "I'm happy."

"About what? Raking in $3,000 in one night?"

"Well, yeah, I guess that too."

"Too? What else is making you grin like that?"

"Remember yesterday how I said Spike was being moody and mean and stuff?" He nodded. "We had a fight last night."

"Yes, and I'm really happy when I fight with Sam, too."  


"No, I mean, we made up. We're all happy and mushy again. At least I think we are. Maybe it's too soon to tell. Anyway, he gave me this ring. A promise ring and he said he promises to love me forever." She lifted the chain around her neck that held his ring. "Not really my size, thus the necklace."

"I don't mean to be judgmental or anything, Buffy, but he _is_ a vampire."

"I know. But he doesn't...he's kind of in between man and vampire, I think. It doesn't really matter to me. He's what I want."

"He is now."

"And he always will be," she said seriously.

~*~*~

He was asleep when Buffy arrived. She smiled at the sight of him, balled up in a corner with his head against the wall. She put the blankets she brought with her onto the stone tomb and walked over to him. She stroked his face lightly with her fingertips and his eyes opened.

"Hey, sleepyhead. You miss me?"

"You know I did," he said groggily. "What time is it?"

"Late. But I said I'd come back, and here I am." He smiled a little bit and kissed her softly. "I brought you a blanket and a pillow in case you said no."

"Said no to what?"

"Spike, okay, uh. It shouldn't really be hard to ask really, I think. Okay, see, I want you to be there when I tell my friends about us. Only my friends don't really stop by during these after midnight twilight hours. So, really the only time to tell them would be during the day, right? Well yeah, vampire. Can't travel in sunlight. I'm really just basically asking you if..."

"Buffy. Are you asking me to stay the night at your house?"

"Um, pretty much yes. But only, there's one thing about the staying the night part because I kinda was getting to ask you if you could stay, um, all nights. Every night. Spike, do you want to move in with me?"

He stared at her for a long time. There were slight pangs when they first began talking but she made him forget. She made him forget with her soft nervous voice, and her soothing caresses, and her unbelievable words.

Last night he asked her how she could love him so much. He still didn't know. He had his flaws, he knew that. He did things he wasn't proud of, namely events that occurred last night. He never thought that he was what Buffy wanted and now here she was, asking him to live with her. He was far less than perfect but she still came to him.

"I shouldn't," he told her after a while.

"You shouldn't? Why?"

"Your friends. You know they wouldn't understand. They'd need time to at least get used to it. Don't you think they have to adjust to the idea first?"  


"Yeah, I do think they have to adjust but it's my life and my house and if I want you to come live with me and sleep in my bed with me, then there's another thing to adjust to. I'm in love with you. I know that they are my friends and they should respect my decisions. I'm asking you to move in with me and all I have to hear is yes or no. So what's it going to be?"

Author's Note: I so did not know what to call Riley...well I do, but I meant in the authoritative-"you're my boss" kinda way. And also, I can't really remember the layout of Spike's crypt so really my fanfic is a jumbled up mess of things I don't know about. Sorry. I hope you like it anyway. Thank you to those who have read and reviewed and to my beta, without whom my fanfic would be a jumbled up mess of things I don't know about and horrible spelling errors like chicken instead of kitchen-what? It's a thing, and perfectly plausible. It is...right? - and bad grammar and such. I is not learned good.


	8. Nerves

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a product of Mutant Enemy. I am in no way affiliated with it, the show, or any of the characters.

"So what's it going to be?"

He paused contemplatively. Decision-making wasn't particularly his strong point. He went by instinct, the way predators do. But nothing was coming to him. Buffy was staring at him, waiting for his answer. He could see hope in her eyes and the question came to him again. Not 'are you going to move in with her or not,' but 'why does she love you?'

And nothing came to him. He was bad and evil and a vampire. He did horrible things as William the Bloody, things that were unjustifiable. And she wanted him to move in with her? Was she out of her bleedin' mind? She must have been or else she never would have asked him.

She shifted her weight on each foot, growing impatient. Buffy needed an answer, but he wasn't sure he could give her the one she wanted. If he said no, she'd be hurt. If he said yes, she'd be happy. In a way, he would be too, but he knew that there were some circumstances that love could not overcome. She'd never forgive him for killing the girl. She'd never understand that he couldn't control the way he was. He'd never be human, and he would always drink blood, and quite possibly kill for it.

He wanted to say no, honestly he did. Spike was unstable. He deserved to live in a crypt, not a house. He didn't deserve to sleep in a warm, soft, bed with a woman who wanted him there next to her and clung to him tightly. But he didn't want to hurt her, because _she_ didn't deserve to be hurt. And something about her was silently pleading with him to be with her. 'No' would be rejection. And he knew best that rejection was one of the worst feelings of all.

So he said yes.

~*~*~

They walked quietly to her house. She had a content smile on her face and he looked worried. It's not like he was afraid of some sort of commitment to her, because he was totally in love with her. He'd already committed when he gave her his ring. He was scared to...death...of falling for her more. He was afraid that if she was around him all the time loving him unconditionally, he'd hurt her again somehow. It was always easy to hurt someone. She did it all the time and didn't even know it. Yeah. It was really easy.

He was afraid of letting her know who he was, because maybe if she knew, she wouldn't love him. He was afraid her friends would shun her for wanting to be with him. He was afraid he'd get staked.

The way Spike walked was no indication of his inner torment. He exuded confidence and sexual prowess, even if his face was a bit of a giveaway of how unsure he felt. He carried a box with him full of clothes, drawings, books. When he finished putting his things in he felt a pang of loneliness. Everything he owned in 120 years could fit in this small box, with the exception of the TV that he left behind, some furniture that he stole, and a lot of things over the years that he just didn't want anymore.

But she was happy. She had what she wanted and walked proudly with him. She didn't care who saw them together and who knew about them. Except, no. It was two o'clock in the morning. No one except the monsters and insane people were out at two in Sunnydale. No one would see them. Why was she so happy looking then? It was just Spike. It's not like he was the love of her life. People...and vampires...come and go. It's better not to be happy. That way when you stop feeling that way, you don't hit the ground as hard when you fall.

~*~*~

Buffy closed her bedroom door behind her.

"I don't think anyone heard us when we came in," she whispered. He set his box down next to her bed and took off his duster. 

"I sleep in here?" he asked.

"Yeah. Next to me in my big old bed." She took off her own jacket and went to her dresser and opened up a drawer. She rearranged the clothes in there and then looked up at him. "You can put your clothes in here and uh...there's a green toothbrush in the bathroom that you can have." She reached into the pocket of her jeans and pulled out a few crumpled bills. "Money. Blood. Can't have you starving."

He shook his head. "Not really hungry right now." 

"Oh. Okay." She opened another drawer and got out her pyjamas. She changed in front of him, but she found him looking away. Did he not want to see her? Was he just trying to give her privacy? She decided not to read too far into it.

Spike was sitting on the edge of her bed, looking around in her room. Pictures. Lots of pictures. Friends and family were dear to her. Would he soon be in a frame around here? She sat down next to him and put her hand over his.

"I'm a little nervous about telling them," she said quietly. "I don't think Dawn will be a problem. She likes you. Willow would act supportive, but you know Will. She'll worry. Xander and Giles are totally gonna flip though. Tara said it was okay to love you, but I think she thought I was a little crazy for sleeping with you."

He smiled weakly. "Aren't you, though?"

"Sometimes I think I am." She brought her hand up to stroke his hair. "Goodnight, Spike."

" 'Night, love." He stood up and shed his clothing. He didn't wear clothes to sleep in. He never really saw a point to it. He felt Buffy's eyes on him, watching his every move. She stretched out on the bed, still keeping her eyes on him. Spike laid down next to her then pulled the blanket over them. "This is nice."

"Yeah. Just watch out for that sunrise." He looked over at the window and found heavy drapes over it. She must have planned this. She probably knew he'd say yes before she even asked him. She got ready for him to be here. His attention turned back to her, only to find her sleeping. Poor thing was probably worn out.

Worn out? From _what_? She still hadn't told him about what she was doing with Riley, and if she had a job with them. She hadn't explained a thing. He didn't ask, but then again, he shouldn't have to.

~*~*~

"Buffy! Hurry up in there!" Dawn yelled. She was pounding on the bathroom door loudly. Almost as loud as her yelling.

"Hey, shrieking lady, some of us are trying to sleep. I do work graveyard shifts, you know," Buffy said, emerging from her bedroom. "Keep the screaming and the pounding to a minimum, please."

"You're not in the bathroom," the younger Summers said. "Willow's downstairs. Then who's taking a shower in there?" She looked at the door.

Buffy's stomach tightened into a knot. Oops. Caught. Okay, so she was going to tell them all but she was still feeling like she did something bad and she had to keep it a secret.

"Dawn, don't freak or anything but Spike's the one taking a shower in there."

"Why is Spike taking a shower at our house?"

"Because it's his house now too."

"What do you mean? He lives here? Why does he live here?"

"Because, me and him are involved, okay?" Buffy was growing increasingly annoyed by her little sister's questions. You'd think she'd never...uh...watched TV or something with semi-negative influences

"I don't understand. Involved in what way?" Dawn did sound and look confused, but it still seemed like she was playing dumb to get on Buffy's nerves. "Like the working together sense? Some sort of slaying team?"

"No, Dawn, involved in the boyfriend-girlfriend sense." Boy. That was much easier than she thought it would be.

"Huh. I mean...huh."

"What do you mean 'huh?'"

"Not 'huh' like a question. 'Huh' like a statement. Like, huh, how about that."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "So explain the reason behind your 'huh' as a statement."

"It's just that it's kind of weird. Not only because you're Slayer and he's vampire. You hate him. You say that all the time. Now he's living with us? I don't really get it."

The older sister paused, trying to think of some way to explain it. And she couldn't. Buffy didn't really get it either. But sometimes love didn't need a reason. Sometimes when you're around someone, you just...you feel happy. Spike made her happy. He was helpful when it counted, and he loved her and Dawn and would do anything for them. He understood her. Why did she have to explain it? It was just a feeling. She just knew. "It's just going to take some time to get used to, Dawny."

~*~*~

He stood under the spray of the water for a long time without doing anything. He couldn't really focus on the tasks at hand. Damn his muddled brain. Damn. The pressure was...good. It wasn't weak but it wasn't so strong that it was physically pushing him or hurting him or anything like that. Good water pressure for a good cleaning...cleansing...whatever. And the water itself was also good. Not hot, but not cold. Hotter than warm though. Comfortable. It didn't matter though. The temperature wouldn't affect him.

He finished washing, turned off the water, dressed, combed his hair, brushed his teeth. An average morning routine...for a human. He wasn't human, obviously. He was standing right in front of a mirror and he didn't see himself. He just saw the items that were behind him. 

Spike found Dawn sitting by the bathroom door outside. He knew that she knew. He had ears, after all. He heard Buffy telling her about them.

"Hey. Sorry, was I in there too long?"

She shook her head slowly. "It's your bathroom now, too. I guess you have a right to take as long as you want."

"Something wrong, Nibblet?"

"You and Buffy are...dating?" she asked quietly.

"Something like that. It's complicated."

"Does she love you?"

He started to get quiet. Odd questions. Odd and jarring. Something was off. "She says she does," he finally replied.

"You almost sound like you don't believe it."

"Like I said, it's complicated." She nodded knowingly. Right, then. Okay. Awkward silence. "So is Buffy in her room?"

"Yeah. She woke up for a couple minutes and then went back to sleep." Then Dawn stood up and walked into the bathroom without giving him another glance. She seemed a little moody. Maybe it was a teenager thing. 

He walked into Buffy's-their bedroom and sat down in a chair next to the bed. He didn't know she was watching him. He didn't know she was even awake. That's why it startled him so much when her hand reached out to grab his.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to _scare_ you."

"Hey now. I wasn't scared. I'm just..."

"Fidgety." He smiled a little. "I wish you stayed in bed this morning. I like waking up next to you." Her thumb was gently stroking his hand.

"I'll remember that."

"Will you come lie down next to me until I fall asleep again? I promise to be a good girl and keep my hands to myself."

Spike settled into the bed and looked over at her. Yeah, she was going to keep her hands to herself. Tease. "See, now I'm lonely, Slayer. Don't you think it'd be much easier to fall asleep with my arms wrapped around you?"

"Nope. I'm fine like this." Is that how she wanted to play? Okay then.

"I promise to be a naughty boy and keep you awake by all means possible." He punctuated his last three words with a light poke to her stomach. Next thing she knew, he was on top of her and kissing her and keeping her very awake. But soon she became aware of where his hands were and the places they were moving to. Then the phone rang. Ugh. Damn phone. The phone stopped ringing after the second ring, and then Willow called to Buffy. It was for her. Ugh.

"Fucking hell," he muttered as she reached for the phone on her nightstand. 

"Hello?" she said into the telephone. No reply. Try again. "Hello? Heeeellooooo? Oh. Okay thanks." She put the phone back onto its cradle. "Asshole. Why call if you're not going to say anything? Some of us are trying to..." She smiled at Spike. "Sleep."

"Yes, I agree whole unbeating heartedly. Sleep is excellent. Good morning, sleep tight, don't let the bed vampires bite."

"What are you doing?"

"Just going to lie here. Not touching, of course. Someone has to sleep."

"I hate you."

"Shh. It's sleepy time."

"Spike," she said, annoyed. 

"You said you were tired."

"I'm not anymore. You woke me up." She started pulling at his belt buckle.

"Pet, do you really think I'm going to sleep with you when your sister is a couple doors down the hall and your best friend downstairs?"

Buffy looked down shyly. "We could be quiet."

He shook his head and then smirked. "When I make love to you, I want you to scream," he whispered.

"When do you think that'll be?" She cleared her throat. They were speaking in hushed voices so no one would hear them.

He smirked again. "Whenever no one is around."

~*~*~

When Buffy finally decided to get out of bed, she went downstairs and found Spike and Willow sitting next to each other with Dawn on the floor watching Saturday morning cartoons.

"Everyone's up but me. Poop."

"But you're up now, so unpoop," Willow replied, then smiled.

Then it occurred to Buffy. Spike was sitting next to Willow. She looked comfortable and she wasn't asking any questions. Did Spike already explain it to her? It's not all that particularly normal. And yet, she looked like sitting next to Spike was natural every Saturday morning.

Spike turned to his love, who was looking very confused. "Something wrong, Slayer?"

"No, no, I guess not." Liar. He saw the way her shoulders tensed up when she saw him sitting next to Willow. The way one would be if a secret got out. A secret that made one look bad. Not to mention that one even had the secret besides the content of it. And that's how Spike found out Buffy didn't really have the intention of telling anyone about him, despite the fact that she'd told Dawn already and asked him to move in. Intention was different than action. Even if she did tell her friends, it didn't mean she ever wanted to. And he'd feel a lot better if she wanted to but didn't, because then her heart would be in it. Doing without wanting was like a chore.

But he knew she didn't think of him as a chore. Looking in her eyes was reassurance. Comfort. Stark and honest, in its purest form.

She walked quickly into the kitchen. He watched, he followed, he was ignored.

"You okay, pet? You're looking rather...nervous." 

Buffy was leaning on the island, not looking at him. 

"Did you tell her?" she whispered sharply.

He eyed her. "What if I did?"

"I was going to tell her. Today. It was my job, my responsibility. I wanted to tell her. You didn't even give me the chance, Spike." Still whispering. No one needed to hear. Want. Do. Conviction lacking in a Slayer? This Slayer?

He smiled slightly, bitterly. "Didn't give you the chance?"

"That's not what I meant. Because I know I've had all the opportunity in the world to tell them and I didn't."

"I didn't either." She looked into the living room. Willow and Dawn were still watching the TV, not noticing the hushed argument. Exactly what it was. Hushed. That's what that look into the living room meant. Hush, Spike, they aren't supposed to know what we're talking about. Wasn't that shame?

"You didn't tell her?"

"No, because you're going to. Right now. You're going to march out and tell them you love me, we've been together for quite some time now, and that it's nothing to freak out over because I'm better than all the other wankers you've ever dated. Got it?"


	9. What You Mean to Me

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a product of Mutant Enemy. I am in no way affiliated with it, the show, or any of the characters.

"Are you joking?" she asked, almost in her normal voice. No more whisper. He shook his head. "No way! I'm not doing anything if you're ordering me to do it."

"Because you're a stubborn bitch."

By now it was blatantly obvious that they were fighting in the kitchen. The two girls in the living room could hear each word just fine. They peered into the kitchen.

"I asked you to give me time!" Buffy yelled.

"I'm giving you all the time you need, Buffy, but you're kidding yourself if you think your friends won't figure it all out sooner or later. You asked me to move in with you! _You_ asked _me_. Unless, of course, you just asked me because you felt obligated to." He looked at her accusingly, but still curiously. 

"You know why I asked you, Spike," she responded quietly.

"Tell me," he said in a tone that matched hers.

"I..." she started. Then she saw Willow and Dawn looking into the kitchen. Fear filled her and she froze. Spike followed the direction she was staring into and knew.

"As I thought," he mumbled. On his way upstairs, she called to him. She was running after him, much to his surprise.

"I asked you to move in with me because..." she sighed and looked over at Willow, then back at him. "I asked you because I'm in love with you. I don't care who knows because I'm not keeping us a secret anymore. I love you, Spike." She turned to Willow and smiled. "I love Spike." Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him right there in front of her sister and her best friend. Inside, Spike felt like his heart was melting with joy and adoration for the woman kissing him.

~*~*~

By the time dusk arrived, Buffy told Willow everything. She was relieved when she finished, to finally get everything off her chest. No more secrets, except for the still having to tell Xander and Anya and Giles, which was no biggie. Okay, maybe a minor biggie, but it'll be easier now that more than one person know. Now Tara, Riley, Dawn, and Willow know so much less big than it would've been. 

No more secrets. It wasn't completely true, but getting there. Sort of. She left out some of the more violent and... graphic details in their relationship, one including that Spike could hurt her, seeing as how that might raise all sorts of questions and speculations. And also that she was working for the Initiative, which she still couldn't tell. Spike knew she was with Riley but he didn't know the whole thing, and she wasn't really looking forward to telling him that she took a job working for Riley because money was appealing. He'd start thinking of other reasons, especially since she hadn't told him immediately. 

Now she was sitting around in her room, waiting for a few more hours to pass so she could go to work. Of course now that her boyfriend-yes, that was the term she used in her mind-had followed her in just now looking decidedly yummy, all that work stuff was really zipping down the scale of interest in her mind. Work - 3, Spike - 10. No contest.

He smiled coyly at her. "Don't stare at me."

She returned the smile. "Why? You shy now?"

"Maybe."

She laughed softly. "I don't like boys who are shy."

He lied next to her on the bed. "Yeah? What kind of boys do you like?"

"Bad boys. You know, the Billy Idol type."

"Billy Idol? I've been told I look like Billy Idol." She looked at him contemplatively.

"Nah. I just don't see it." Buffy reached for his hand. "What kind of girls do you like?"

"I like girls who are strong and brave and not to be shallow, pretty. I like girls who hold my hand." He brought their joined hands up to his lips and kissed each of her warm fingertips, then her palm. "And I like girls who are caring, and open about their feelings. A girl who will tell me what she's thinking." He squeezed her hand lightly.

"I could tell you what I'm thinking."

"Oh, but I don't like you," he said teasingly. Spike lifted her on top of him. He brushed her blonde hair out of her face and gazed into her eyes, then sighed melodramatically. "You see, my heart belongs to another. She'd kill me if I started fancying some other girl. She's the jealous type. But that's okay by me. Lets me know she cares and all that crazy mushy stuff."

"I hate that crazy mushy stuff."

"I think you lie. I bet you've got a beau that's crazy for you, hmm? All about mushiness and romance." He stroked her face lightly.

"Yes, yes I do. But he's not romantic. He just likes the sex."

"I bet he's handsome. And smart, and interesting, good to the people you care about, loving. Doesn't have to be alive or anything like that. Probably the best shag you've ever had. Am I close?"

She smiled. "Maybe. I guess."

"You should tell him you love him. Directly. Saying his name. With the mushy and crazy. I bet he'd like that a lot."

"Nah. It'd probably inflate his already over inflated ego."

"Yes, well, in any event, I do love you. And I know you love me. You wear my ring around your neck." He rubbed the ring. "I'm lucky. I have you, I have nice living conditions. No funds as of yet, but I'm workin' on that."

"Don't worry about that."

"Buffy, your job at DoubleMeat can't support you and Dawn forever."

"I know. But it's temporary. Just until I get back on my feet and start school again." His hand moved from the ring to...other places. Very nice, but also must stop. "Hey, don't do that. I have to go to work in two hours."

"I'll stop in two hours." She pushed his hand away. "What?"

"I thought we were going to wait until Dawn and Willow weren't here."

"Well I'm a bad, evil man. I go back on my word," he said with a growl as he started kissing her neck. Buffy shoved him off. "Hey. Okay. You shoved me. It was okay this morning when you wanted to. You don't want to anymore?"

"I didn't say that. I've just thought about it and it doesn't seem very wise. Someone could walk in..."

"Lock the door."

"...Or hear..."

"We'll be quiet."

"Spike."

"Slayer." He pouted. "Please? Come on. Let's do as the bunnies do. It'll be fun."

"It'll be funner if we wait."

"Will not. How about we just go outside...a quick sweep of the cemetery, find a nice patch of grass, come back, you'll clean up, and go to work. Nice neat little plan, yeah?" He grinned hopefully.

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "You are such a loser."

"That a yes?"

"We better be quick. I mean it. I have to be back here by 8:30 so I can take a shower. That's two hours. We go, we sweep, we be bunnies, we leave. You got it? Quick. Get your shoes."

~*~*~

She pulls her shirt back on and starts to leave when she notices something. 

"Hey, aren't you coming?" she asks me. I lay here on the ground, not moving.

"No, not just yet. Feelin' kinda jumpy. I'm gonna take a walk."

"Okay. Well, I'll see you at home when I get back."

"Which will be when?"

"I'm thinking about 4, okay?" Jesus Christ. Who knew habitants of Sunnyhell ate meat patties at four in the morning? I smile, trying not to let on I think her work hours are completely irrational and frankly stupid. If it weren't for the chip I'd eat her boss.

Oh hey, chip. With the maybe not working. With the definitely not working. I've killed someone. All too recently. Haven't forgotten that, no matter what way I act around Buffy. I still know what I did. Even if I feel bad, doesn't mean I'll ruin what I have with Buffy. I've worked too hard and I love her too much. I'm not going to blow her trust just when I get it.

I watch her leave me. I want to call out to her, ask her to stay with me but I'm not that whipped. I'm still my own bloke, I'll step off when I want to. No, I suppose that's a lie. I am her bitch. But at this point, it's better than nothing. At least she loves me.

I light a cigarette - sweet nicotine bliss. Nowhere near as comforting as Buffy's legs wrapped tightly around my waist crying out to God or whoever will have her. See, I still got the poetry. It's still bloody awful. The name goes, but the meaning sticks, you know? The meaning sticks. Sometimes you just don't outgrow nicknames. Even if you changed it when you became a badass bloodsucker with a fondness for driving railroad spikes into people's heads. The meaning sticks.

I say I killed someone and pull the tortured vamp act, but my inner demon's rejoicing. I'm rejoicing. Maybe I do feel bad, honestly and truly. I still have part of me that says 'sod it, she's just another girl.' Yeah, mate. She's just another girl. 

My feet bring me to my crypt. Must be homesick or something. _Click._ Click? What the bloody hell was that? _Click click._ I follow the sound and that's when I see it. A camera about as long as my thumb. It's facing me, but is on a pole that I suspect turns it to face the hole that is drilled through my wall. A spy hole. A spy. Spying on me. Someone was taking pictures of me in my very own crypt and I didn't even know.

I grab the camera from its stand and throw it to the ground. I stomp on it, making a satisfying crunch. Looks like I've got something to keep me busy now. 

~*~*~

Spike was hanging out in demon bars, observing the patrons. A whole bunch hated him for working with the Slayer, but no one seemed to care enough to spy on him. Unless it was an elaborate plan to take out Buffy, though honestly this lot didn't have the brains for it. None of them looked like they wanted to take on a Slayer. They wouldn't do it. Wouldn't have the sophistication for complex spyware, for any in depth plans. 

Tomorrow night he'd scope out more bars and cemeteries. Those nerds. Maybe they knew something. They were smart and they did make Buffy invisible. He made a note in his mind to find them first thing tomorrow night. But now he had to go home. Buffy would be home soon, he was hungry and tired, and it had been a long night. 

When he got home, Buffy was watching TV. He stood in front of her and she stared up at him. "Where'd you go?"

Spike put his duster on the coat rack. "Out and about. Had some stuff to look into." He looked at the TV. "What are you watching?"

"Infomercials. I'm telling you, that TurboCooker thing is amazing. I want one." She pouted then grinned when he sat down next to her. "No need to thaw."

"Well, hell. That's luxury for you. Cook cupcakes with diet soda, where do I sign up?" Buffy elbowed him in the ribs. "Fine, fine. I'll get you one for your birthday."

"My birthday was almost two weeks ago."

"Then I guess my little Goldilocks will just have to wait till next year then, eh?" He draped an arm around her shoulders. It was cold around her but comforting nonetheless. "Next year. That seems like such a long time. I hope it snows next year."

"Spike. Reality check. It doesn't snow in southern California. Okay, sometimes it does, but on weird freak occasions."

"I guess we'll just have to go somewhere where it does. You, me, ride off on my motorcycle built for two to a winter wonderland where mean ugly beasties can't find us. We'll drink hot cocoa and build snowmen and whatever the bloody hell else you want to do."

She started to nuzzle his neck. He tilted his head a little to give her easier access. "I wanna snuggle by the nice warm fire."

"Will a nice warm television do?" Spike lifted her onto his lap. 

She gave him a coy smile. "I guess it'll have to." She kissed him once, then pulled away. "And I want hot baths. With bubbles. And cookies."

"You want cookies in the bath?"

"I'm considering it." She had a small feminine smile on her face. "Are you going to bake them for me? I promise I'll share if you do."

He mimicked her earlier actions of nuzzling. She smelled nice, like something sweet but not overpowering. "You smell good."

She slapped his arm lightly. "Are you going to answer me? Or are you afraid I'll leave you for someone who'll give me cookies." The smile on her face turned playful.

"I can think of tastier things than cookies, love," he said sinisterly. 

"What? Pie?"

"I'll give you a hint: it's not a pastry."

"Ice cream?" He shook his head. "If you say it's blood, I'm not sharing any of mine."

"Not blood. Better than blood." He pulled down her pajama bottoms a little bit and pressed his hand against her. "It's here."

"Maybe I will share after all." Spike kissed above her navel, then started on a path lower. And lower. She gasped as he touched her intimately. Lower. Oh, God. 

~*~*~

Buffy sighed contently. Spike was lying on the floor staring at the ceiling. To him, she was amazing. Playful and sexy and serious and so many other things all in one package. And now she let him go down on her in her own house with her sister and best friend sleeping upstairs. He wasn't too sure she was aware of it, but it happened. 

"Hey. What happened to your scruples?" he asked her after a while.

"Eh. They were sleeping. I'm over my scruples. I think. For now." She sat up. "The sun's about to rise. Let's sneak upstairs before they catch us."

They tried to be stealthy on their way up the stairs but Buffy lost her footing and fell on the vampire and they both stumbled to floor. 

"Ouch," he said.

"What?"

"I've got Buffy's bony elbow digging into my gut. Not to mention that I just fell down six bloody steps with you on top of me. Ouch."

"You think I'm not ouch? I fell too!"

"Yeah, on me!" They continued on until they got to her room. "Oo. Dark. Scary. Romantic," he whispered into her ear. "I'm evil. Come on now, attack me."

Buffy shoved him onto the bed forcefully and started to nibble along his jugular. Her hands ran down his chest slowly until they found the waistband of his jeans. She was pressed against him in a most satisfying position, and then she began working her way down. He felt her warm hands against his cold skin for an all too brief second before she pulled up his tee shirt. Kissing, teasing, licking, feeling. She was too good at this. Spike was sure she was trying to slowly drive him insane.

Then, as he had done to her, she kissed above his navel, going lower with each hot kiss. He held back his groan--he bit his cheeks, clenched his fists, had to do something. Powerless, that's what he was. Then she stopped. Next thing he knew, she was back at his neck, starting her maddening tease all over again. Time to get even.

He pushed her back slightly and barely brushed his lips against her neck. It kinda tickled. She laughed a little and turned her head, exposing her neck. Her vein protruded and the sound of blood coursing through it became the only noise he could hear. The steady fast pulse was worse than the agonizingly slow tease, because she'd eventually finish. But he'd never get to bite her, never get to taste the warm blood. Unknowingly, he morphed into his game face with a small growl. She faced him curiously. 

"I'm sorry," he said simply, then turned back into his human face.

"It was okay. It's okay." She stroked his face softly. "Bring it back." He was once again in his vampire guise. She stroked his face again. This time her fingers went over all his bumps, exploring the other side of her lover. "I like it."

"Demon lover."

"So be it... " she whispered before she kissed him. He was careful not to cut her with his fangs. They pulled apart, and she gazed into his golden eyes. Buffy took a deep breath and turned her head slowly. "It's okay," she repeated.

He kissed softly along the vein. She gasped when he bit into her. He clenched his eyes shut tightly. Her blood was outstanding, sweet and salty and everything he imagined it to be. No, it was more. It was better. This was better. He stopped, and licked her bite marks tenderly. Didn't want to take too much. Didn't want to hurt her. 

"Buffy, are you okay?"

She sighed. "Yuh-huh. Yeah." It took her awhile to calm down after that. "I love you. Very much."

"Even after that?"

"Especially after that. You don't know what you mean to me, Spike."

"You shared your blood with me. I think I do." She wrapped her arms around him tightly and snuggled against his chest. "I love you, too. That's why I'd never hurt you. That's why I gave you the ring."

Her breathing evened out, and he realized she fell asleep. _No, Buffy_, he thought, _you don't know what you mean to me._


End file.
